Funny Stuff I heard/read/witnessed/participated in recently:


On Pets:

I love baby animals! With a little effort you can get the entire head off in a single bite!

Note: I'm kinda proud of this one. Even more proud of the look on the pet store cashier's face. That should teach them not to have fish tank dragons.


On being an adult:

I insist that I didn't suffer through childhood and adolescence just to end up with a bedtime and a cookie limit.

Note: Go read Crymes Syndicate ---------------------------------->


On sleep disorders:

I sodomize people in my sleep. Even when they tell me to stop I don't.

Note: That's one way to avoid sharing a hotel bed with friends.


On women:

If she didn’t want attention, she shouldn't’t have been so blatantly female over Xbox Live

Note: Agreed


On being lonely:

You feel so bad that you don’t want to even leave the house, which is pretty convenient, because you weren’t going to anyway. But still, it’s bad.

Note: Erm?


On dating:

There are other fish in sea. There have to be, like, literally dozens of female gamers in the world.

Note: No matter how nicely you ask, they still aren't going to show you their boobs.


On health:

I don't drink stuff that came out of a person.

Note: Should go without saying. Also makes watching breastfeeding less awkward if you have a stance on it.


Everyone should do stuff I tell them to. While we're on the topic everyone should go watch Boston Legal, praise the ORIGINAL Star Wars trilogy, send me money, admit that DS9 was the best Star Trek ever got, exclaim "HULK SMASH" more often, kick Jason in the balls for being uppity, read books with Quick Ben and Locke Lamora, practice throwing tomahawks, teach parrots dirty poetry, eat more pakoras, smile at the next idiot who pisses you off and, finally, spoil a child that doesn't belong to you so you don't have to deal with the aftermath.

I'm sure I have more commands that would benefit mankind but I'm kinda sleepy.

That's me. Italian is on my ishuffle! How do I get it off?