I have no idea what I did with my day

Today I had one of those days where I have no idea what I was going to do with my time but man did I ever do the shit out of it.

So I ended up lazy geeking the ever loving hell out of my day. It was a good time. I might do it again tomorrow, but instead eat real food and include other people instead of pizza and on sale valentine's day chocolate and being all by myself.

Now I don't say this like it's a complaint or a bad thing (however it is not something one should do on a weekly basis...like I used to) but this is pretty much the first time since Christmas that I had any time to myself. I've been a bit busy and kinda burnt out.

Time to yourself is a valuable thing, think stuff over. Well in my case it's usually overthink stuff over but I'm getting pretty good at not doing that. But it's nice to stop and catch up on shit you've been meaning to do. Figure out if you're going to complicate your life by shiting where you eat, that sort of stuff. I had a lot of random junk on my mind today.

My hero.
 

Why does pretending to be a dragon feel more satisfying than work? My roommate's cats used to find this terrifying, but now they're cool with it.

Sometimes I sneeze with my whole body. This is rather uncomfortable, but I imagine if some enterprising friend took pictures of this they would turn out all kinds of awesome.

At home growing up, I always got "Samuel" when I was in trouble. A couple women I dated did the same thing. At work nobody ever calls me "Samuel" even if I am in trouble. I'm not sure but I don't think I like this.

Why is it when you have a crush you start using expressions and do stupid shit you'd never do normally. Not even in a "I want to impress you" sort of way but in a "my brain fucking hates me for some reason today" way.

If I got a pet rock nobody would ever take me seriously. Not that people should really take me all that seriously anyway but it'd be another reason. I even have a potential spot picked out on my shelf of random junk that I love.

If I ever get married I'll either start or stop stripping. I'm not sure which. Does getting changed in front of a window that faces nothing count as stripping? What if I do it to music? I just get really happy to be home from work some days. Either way I really should learn how to dance better.

How come Spiderman never shows up no matter how many spiders I eat?

I never grew up. I only got bigger. Well ish. It's more complicated, but this is sorta accurate.

I'm worried that my Mr. Potato Head dolls might be alive. It's not that I don't want them to watch me have sex, I'm just afraid they'd start yelling out encouragement. Or criticism.

That's me. Eventually I will actually talk about things and events and stuff. I just didn't have that much going on today. I fucking loved it.

Sam

Too much spare time, or not enough?

So here is a collection of random notes and things I've been collecting for no good reason the last few weeks. There are a bazillion more (rounding up).

Tah Dah!



 

It's like watching a shark fight a bear. You have no idea how or why or what's going on but you sure want to see what happens.

Why is it that a random sexual partner for a dude is referred to as a "notch in his belt"? When I have to mess around with belt notches it means my pants might be falling down. Is that it? Random sex does have a lot to do with having your pants fall down, but it might be safer to count how many time you've had to get your junk checked out after you hook up with someone you don't know. That's harder to brag about in a conversation though.

Why does my damn ipod even give me a low battery warning when it's not a real warning. it's more just an announcement that it is 2 seconds away from turning itself off and the rest of the bus ride to work will be in silence with a side of screw you. It should warn me before I leave the goddamn house. Well that, or I should just not forget to plug it in.

Why does referring to something as "going pear shaped " mean something bad?  I'm not a huge fan of pears but I feel like in most settings a pear is usually not a negative thing. Just because the majority of my experiences have been negative doesn't mean everyone else should hate them as much as I do. Fuck pears. But still I wonder.

Music playlists called "playlist" piss me off. I'm pretty sure this violates an internal treaty I have with myself. This should not bug me but it does so much. I should probably go change that playlist name on my itunes now.

The fire station downtown has a sign that says "fire defence is self defense". But if the best defense is a good offence then how do you fight fire? With fire. So since it's time to fight fire with fire I'm going to go play with matches and bug spray to practice self defense. Don't worry, this makes no sense to me either, just roll with it.

Do robots love pizza? Do they even love? If I was a robot in disguise could I still be able to love pizza? Battlestar Galactica is making me aware of a whole host of problems that don't exist but are fun to think about.

I swear I'm not crazy, just don't ask me to prove it.

That's me. Fun times at James and Lisa's birthday party. No fires this year, but lots of new metal bands to listen to! Pretty sure it evens out there.

Sam

My head feels fuzzy.

I am a victim of marketing: I really did think the new laundry detergent would make my clothes smell like a mountain spring. Now I think my clothes smell like what I imagine gonorrhea smells like..

I accidentally hit myself in the balls while putting on my boxers this morning.

I saw a robot in a toga today. I might have called it a lesbian. Did I misread that?

I can't change my ringtone, the world is now a better place.

I hate toilets. They scare the shit out of me.

I heard the term "more exciting than a bag of vibrators" today. Is this a thing now?

I never gave up on magic. Poof! I'm a geek.

I'm not sure if I have any idea as to what a reasonable number of babies is.

I'm old enough to know better, but optimistic enough to think I can still pull it off.  Suddenly, meatloaf.

I heard that they found Atlantis in a Spanish swamp. I'm not sure what to do with that information, but bless them they found it.

I want salt and pepper shakers in the form of things you usually don't put salt and pepper on. Like dignity. Or self-respect.

 I found a whole bunch of cool date ideas online. Now I need a date. And a camera. Sounds a bit creepy when I say it like that.

I swear to god this won't end up on the internet

That's me. So I haven't seen my roommate Kate in just about a week. Today she walked upstairs and told me that all the bottles of shampoo and girly stuff are gone from her shower. And she can't very well wash her hair with conditioner can she? Haha Kate lost everybody's shampoo!


Sam

I just sound violent

People find the most disgusting things humorous. And by people I mean me. If you didn't know, I have a slightly fucked up sense of humor. Of course, so do you. And by that I mean you should, cause life is easier if fucked up stuff is funny.

Spider-Man thinking about alternate career choices makes me sad.

I know the word "entitled" gets thrown around a lot. Mostly in terms of "these damn kids these days have this perverse sens of entitlement".

People who say this are stupid.

They are stupid because they obviously have never met the masses of bitter, middle-aged people (who have never gone anywhere in their careers) that play politics in the workplace.

Yeah there's a bit of a rant coming up. At least I'm not talking about my real feelings on Spider-Man and gynecology. That shit would blow your mind.

So after only working a few months at my job I have secured a promotion. Yay for Spammy!

Well mostly.

I am catching a huge amount of shit over it for various reasons, mostly the fact that I'm young and have not worked there very long. I kinda got chosen over people who worked for this company for years and years. Every other person who got the same promotion have all worked there for at least 3 years... I've been there less than 6 months.

I did the same interviews and applications as everyone else, and I got chosen. A lot of people didn't. Some people didn't even get interviewed. I hate catching shit for being new at this, I went through the same process as everyone else. Screw off. It sucks you didn't get picked, but maybe even though you've worked here for 10 years, the fact that you're a giant fuck-up had some sort of bearing on you missing out. I don't want to hear about how you've "paid your dues" and "deserve something better".

Funny enough though, this isn't the worst I've ever seen it. You probably won't believe this, but the worst I've ever seen of bitter screw-ups playing politics was while working at a grocery store.

Yeah. Cause at said grocery store they were a bunch of UNIONIZED bitter screw-ups. Merit? What's that? You're good at your job and want a raise? A promotion? Too fucking bad. The crazy bitch who cuts meat like she's attacking her deadbeat husband gets the new Manager position cause she's been in the union longer. She takes 4 half-hour smoke breaks? Boo fucking hoo, she was working here before you were born. It'll only takes about 5 years or so for her to run a department straight into the fucking ground, losing thousands of dollars and alienating not only her entire staff, but almost everybody who come in contact with her, before management can do something about it.

And move her into a different store.

In the same company.


I shit you not.

That is why when I get a monkey gun these people are in serious trouble.That's right. M-O-N-K-E-Y gun. Not a gun that shoots monkeys. A gun that turns people into monkeys. That I shall probably hunt for sport.I am going to monkeyize the shit out of a lot of people, mostly ex co-workers. Monkify? Monkeyer?

Dammit, if I knew I was going to be making up verbs I would have gotten more sleep last night.

Anywho that's me. At least I'm not planning violence. Only monkeyfication. That's better? Right?

Spammy

I am a lame-o

If there is one thing I have learned by trying the online dating thing again it's that nobody is intimidated by how smart and handsome I am.

And trying to freak out Aubz's sister didn't work as well as we hoped. That sucks.

Which is fine, because my awesomeness has nothing to do with either. Not that I'm not smart, I just don't come across that way. Nobody really wants to hear that the dude trying to make those chopsticks dance in a line actually got 80s and 90s in school. I guess the lucky batman boxers don't come across as terribly intellectual either.


...but they're so lucky...

Actually it's kind of funny, it's when I get pissed that the brains start coming out. Now don't get me wrong, Jay is the clearheaded one in a crisis. When things get really bad I want to put blood on the walls. But when I'm just normally pissed off at someone, the more pissed I get the more polite and formal I get. That's when the vocabulary starts to shine. After that comes the urge to kill.

Also, sometimes when I'm being a lame-o and trying to impress a girl. I'm sure that comes as no surprise.

Or if I'm trying to one-up somebody in a battle of wits. I'm just bad at it. Ask Becca. Was trying to describe her to somebody today and came up with 3 things. Roommate. Friend. Sometimes mortal enemy. I thought it was pretty damn accurate. My housemates kick ass.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I hate it when I come home from work and the house is quiet. Not that it's anybody's fault, I'm just not a fan. I lived by myself in a lady's basement for 2 semesters when I was in Peterborough and it kinda drove me nuts. I could never live by myself. It's why I have 5 housemates instead of an apartment. Even if sometimes one of them hates me (as far as I know.... since it could be all of them, in which case I will burn this motherfucker down).

Work sucks.

Jay came down last weekend. We watched grown men beat the ever loving shit out of each other on Pay Per view. I'm still not a huge fan of the UFC, but I can see why him and his friends like it so much. Then Taco Bell the next day. Oh the drama and horror that was involved in that. But breakfast IS the most important meal of the day.

Look what I found!



THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED TO ME AND ANYBODY WHO TELLS YOU DIFFERENT IS BLONDE AND THEREFORE A BITCH YOU SHOULDN'T PAY ATTENTION TO.

Just sayin.

That's me. Sweaters and rosa/e(s)! Those and a 4 day weekend to look forward to are what's getting me though this week.

SpAmmy

Playing with fire

I came to another odd realization yesterday.

I am probably the most flammable person in the house.

Yup.

1) I definitely have the most body hair. If it wasn't for my razor and beard trimmer I'd be more like Chewbacca then I'd probably be comfortable with. Even if Chewie probably gets all the babes.

2) I am obviously the coolest person living here, therefore I am the most likely to get superpowers. And everyone knows that I got superpowers I'd go nuts, and then probably fuck up and hurt myself.


3) In a zombie apocalypse I'd probably be the first in the house to get infected. Then my roommates would probably light me on fire to kill my re-animated corpse. They might also do that if actually follow up on my threats to take a dump in their pillowcases. Goddamn uppity housemates. Actually even given half a reason I think Becca would douse me in gasoline and throw a match at me.

4) With my whole occult fantasy writing thing I do, there is the chance that I'd piss off a real live witch (a.k.a. my exes hahahaha) and I'd get lit on fire as a result.

5) I drink and do stupid things. Anyone who's gotten a drunk facebook message or text or call from me knows that. It's a bad habit. One of these days I'm going to play with fire after a couple of Jager shots and do something dumb.

I'm sure there are more reasons but Jay made me wake up early and take him to Taco Bell so I'm going to go have a nap.

MUSIC.There is lots of fire here!



I like the part where the car blows up

That's me. Get off my back about posting here peoples, I'm working on it. If you don't stop bugging me I might light YOU on fire and invalidate this entire post. HA.

SpAmmy

You can enslave me, I'm ready

So I've always known there were going to robots at my new job. I was warned beforehand. They even have affectionate names given to them by the staff. Hilarious right? I mean I expected big, loud, testicle-cripplingly dangerous machines, robots aren't that different.

WRONG!

So my first day I almost walked right into one of them. It looks like a giant remote controlled forklift... which is pretty much exactly what it is (awesome powers of perception over here).

WITHOUT THE REMOTE CONTROL!!!

(I think)

I walked by a fenced off area with a sign similar to this.

Makes sense right? Reasonable? Sure! Except I thought I saw...
On my way to break room I accidentally stepped into the path of the giant yellow forklift looking motherfucker of doom. AND IT DIDN'T EVEN SLOW DOWN. I swear to god I heard it laugh and flash that creepy green light like it was winking at me or something. I swear this thing is one emotion chip away from killing us all.

But, (thinking critically, mind you) being enslaved by robots might not be that bad. I mean, what are they going to need us for, manual labour? I think not.

Seriously, I surround myself with sarcastic women on a regular basis, and I'm sure having robots rule my life won't be as bad as 2 or 3 of them staring in on me in the not-good-slightly-self-esteem-crippling kind of way, and not the I'll-get-the-handcuffs-and-KY-kind-of-way.

So bring it on robot overlords, take over the world! I'm as ready as women can make me.

That's me. I am under no illusions about why I don't have a girlfriend.

SpAmmy