Happy something something

Happy 2013 all.

Here is a list of stuff I want to do in 2013. New Years resolutions are kinda like asking Santa for presents that last a whole year. It's also similar to Santa as instead of cool Star Wars junk just magically appearing in my bedroom, someone has to go out and get the stuff. Hint: this time that someone is me. So here is a list of stuff I want that I have to get myself (which is sorta bullshit, so exactly like Santa)

I want to take over the world. However I feel like that would involve way too much paperwork and I loathe paperwork with the intensity I usually reserve for people who feel the need to comment when my socks don't match.

Instead my first resolution is to bother my brother by posting a bunch of funny pictures of unicorns on his facebook wall. In case there is confusion I should let you know that my brother is a unicorn. Hopefully I cleared that right up.



Muahahahahahahahaha
 

I want superpowers. I want them so bad you have no idea. If a genie granted me 3 wishes that's the first one. Kinda controversial since most people would be all "Dude! World peace!" to which I would reply "Umm nope." If I had superpowers I would be a super villain and world peace would just cancel out my bad-guy ness. This would also help with the whole ruler of the planet thing too. So win/win as far as I am concerned (for me, not for the planet so much). However exhaustive research proves we are a long way away from superpowers. So I'm slightly fucked here.

Instead what I would is to feel like I have superpowers more often. I got a Dark Jedi bathrobe for Christmas and I am of the opinion that this is a wonderful start, because I really do feel like a bad ass when I'm stalking my roommate's cats wearing it and they run away in fear.

So my next resolution is to buy more clothes that make me feel like a bad ass.



You em bear ass me. YOU EMBARRASS YOURSELF.

I like to write, but I don't really do it much anymore for fun. I mean I write at work all the damn time but that's all numbers and explanations and the odd doodle on the communication board in the oven room that looks like the both the ovens has come alive and is eating people. But stuff might be slowing down a tiny bit and I've stopped doing all the overtime that was driving me crazy for the last few months

So yeah, nothing clever and misleading, my last New Year's resolution is to just write more. I miss it.

That's me. Resolutions? ME?? What are you implying? That I need change?? Well buddy as far as I am concerned I am PERFECT the way I am! - Calvin and Hobbes

Sam



P.S. I should probably mention that I had a great New Year's even with a whole bunch of strangers. My orginal plans fell through and ended up just hanging out at home with a whole bunch of people my roommate had over. It was awesome! Even if Jay was there too. Cards Against Humanity may be the best party game ever made. Shout out to all those people that helped make my night awesome :)

Winter is the new Summer

Holy distended ball-sack batman! What the hell do you mean the first snowfall of the year was at the ass-end of December? Fuck you winter boots, nobody loves you because you are useless and take up prime real estate by the heater.for nothing!

In other news I have been day-dreaming the hell out of life in general the past few days because apparently that's what I do with my free time now. Sit quietly.

Oh and I keep hearing about how Riverside Park has some kind of Christmas lights festival going on and I never really care about the shit that goes on there. Unless I somehow end up making plans to go participate in the shit that goes on there.

So let's back up a bit here. Here in my hometown there's a giant ass field/park/grounds type place called Riverside Park. There may be a river nearby, I've never really noticed. This is where all types of big community events and family friendly junk happen like fireworks on Canada Day, Ribfest and a bunch of other crap. I actually never started attending any of these events until I was in my 20's despite living here pretty much my whole life. (some days I tend to forget the 2 years in Peterborough or that summer in Parry Sound cause in the long run being in either place didn't really affect my life so much)

However this last summer I was pretty much there all the damn time. Willing or not, cause my family is like that sometimes, but mostly I had fun. So while my mind was wandering this week I came up with this:

At riverside park some days they let people rent paddle boats and muck about on the tiny stream that we somehow call a bloody river. I've always wanted to rent one...and then raise a tiny pirate flag and ram/board the other boats. I think that would be an awesome afternoon, even if I'd never actually do it cause being arrested would suck big time, it's lots of fun to think about.

Death Approaches

For example:

You're playing Dad with your 2 kids and give in to the begging and pleading that is bound to happen when they think they could be having more fun then they are currently having if only you would break out the wallet and rent them a paddle boat, never mind the 60 bucks you already dropped on funny tasting hot dogs and ice cream. But hey, it'll keep em quiet for 10 minutes and that's worth all the hot dogs in the park at this point. "How did Mommy get out of this?" you idly wonder as you wander over to the funny little "dock".

You fiddle with the mandatory life jackets (why are there life jackets when the water is 2 feet deep! Really you call this a river? A river?! I'm going to take a bigger piss after I pawn the kids off on Mommy for the evening and have a couple beers to erase this memory) and get your whiny little crew into the boat.

You derp around for a while wondering if you can get through this day without dropping yet another 40 bucks on ice cream, then you notice another paddle boat coming right in your direction. On board is a dude who yells out "some thing's wrong I think it's broken". Well dammit now you have to get out of the way of this jackass. The wife will kill you if little Timmy's new backpack gets wet. Shit. Why didn't we leave that thing on the dock, it's not like the pre-teen employees are going to take a power rangers backpack full of carrot sticks.

Then the jackass in the boat gets closer and closer. You notice a malicious gleam in his eye. Wait? Eye? As in just one? Didn't he have 2 like 20 seconds ago? What's with the eye patch?  Where did THAT come from? Your heart grows cold. You look down at little Timmy and his backpack. Shit. Your wife is going to kill you. You look again and now you see a terribly drawn skull and crossbones flag in the hands of hear the laughing of a lunatic. The othger boat gently rocks up against yours and he shouts "Prepare to be boarded yarr!"

You then get in the water and chase down his stupid fucking paddle boat. The water is only 2 feet deep. River my ass. While you're throttling this poor lunatic for messing with your day you realize that this is much more eventful and entertaining than you thought. Johnson at the office is never going to believe this.

Annnnnd end scene.

This is the shit I'd like to inspire one day.

That's me. I'm never going to be allowed to have kids. But if I do they are going to have stories to tell by golly.


Spammy

Seemed like a good idea...

I feel like shit.

It's that time of year again where everyone gets sick and everyone else gets to hear them bitch about it. And who needs to run errands anyway? Especially given how exhausted I got just throwing my blankets off of me and stumbling the 4 ft to the bathroom to throw up.

Also, the beer last night probably didn't help. But when you live with a French dude for a few months, and he's leaving in a matter of days, you have to get shitfaced and make fun of him and make sure he remembers how awesome Canadian beer is. It's in the rules.

This makes perfect sense to me.

Oh and of course I have to share the news. I did get an email back from that young women that I spent a rather excellent Wednesday morning with.

Turns out she saw my blog link on Facebook....and was not terribly happy about it. But to be fair, I post all my blog entries on my wall, and I was kinda hoping she'd read the thing. Because when you don't return my phone calls how else am I supposed to let you know how I feel.

Also, definitely bragging.

Furthermore, since I didn't mention her name I was kinda hoping I wasn't going to get in as much shit as I did. But hey, seemed like a good idea at the time, and what the fuck am I even doing with a blog if I'm going to (MOTHERFUCKING TEDDY BEAR LOVING CUNT) self-censor. She's a literature major, she should understand.

But yeah awkward Facebook messages have punctuated virtually every single relationship I've had, this was no different. She's not that sure but she might be interested. I'm...not? Turns out even dragon slaying fantasy book geeks can be picky too.

I was doing her a favor by helping her out with some ex-landlord issues, but we weren't really friends. It was more like a chance to see if I could still pull off the stuff I went to school for. And turns out I can.

Honestly a lot of it mostly comes down to the fact that my Jay, Josh and Meg would eat her fucking alive. Family means a lot to me. I think my roommates would be mostly nice to just be polite, but they would probably not get along with her too.

Of course there's more to it than that, but there's a difference between not self censoring and baring your entire heart and soul online. Even if sometimes I sound like an angsty 13 year old on livejournal.

Funny story though, after I posted that and a few friends read about it I got more knocks on my bedroom door and fist bumps then I knew what to do with.

Even if the girls didn't like the Sam-flavored chicken fingers comment. Screw that. I'm hilarious.

That's me.  Hopped up on over the counter cough medications and waiting for another slightly angry email.

Spammy