Happy something something

Happy 2013 all.

Here is a list of stuff I want to do in 2013. New Years resolutions are kinda like asking Santa for presents that last a whole year. It's also similar to Santa as instead of cool Star Wars junk just magically appearing in my bedroom, someone has to go out and get the stuff. Hint: this time that someone is me. So here is a list of stuff I want that I have to get myself (which is sorta bullshit, so exactly like Santa)

I want to take over the world. However I feel like that would involve way too much paperwork and I loathe paperwork with the intensity I usually reserve for people who feel the need to comment when my socks don't match.

Instead my first resolution is to bother my brother by posting a bunch of funny pictures of unicorns on his facebook wall. In case there is confusion I should let you know that my brother is a unicorn. Hopefully I cleared that right up.



Muahahahahahahahaha
 

I want superpowers. I want them so bad you have no idea. If a genie granted me 3 wishes that's the first one. Kinda controversial since most people would be all "Dude! World peace!" to which I would reply "Umm nope." If I had superpowers I would be a super villain and world peace would just cancel out my bad-guy ness. This would also help with the whole ruler of the planet thing too. So win/win as far as I am concerned (for me, not for the planet so much). However exhaustive research proves we are a long way away from superpowers. So I'm slightly fucked here.

Instead what I would is to feel like I have superpowers more often. I got a Dark Jedi bathrobe for Christmas and I am of the opinion that this is a wonderful start, because I really do feel like a bad ass when I'm stalking my roommate's cats wearing it and they run away in fear.

So my next resolution is to buy more clothes that make me feel like a bad ass.



You em bear ass me. YOU EMBARRASS YOURSELF.

I like to write, but I don't really do it much anymore for fun. I mean I write at work all the damn time but that's all numbers and explanations and the odd doodle on the communication board in the oven room that looks like the both the ovens has come alive and is eating people. But stuff might be slowing down a tiny bit and I've stopped doing all the overtime that was driving me crazy for the last few months

So yeah, nothing clever and misleading, my last New Year's resolution is to just write more. I miss it.

That's me. Resolutions? ME?? What are you implying? That I need change?? Well buddy as far as I am concerned I am PERFECT the way I am! - Calvin and Hobbes

Sam



P.S. I should probably mention that I had a great New Year's even with a whole bunch of strangers. My orginal plans fell through and ended up just hanging out at home with a whole bunch of people my roommate had over. It was awesome! Even if Jay was there too. Cards Against Humanity may be the best party game ever made. Shout out to all those people that helped make my night awesome :)

Sense?

Apparently I was all Bossface Mcintimidating today. It still fucking baffles me that people can find my dumb ass scary. The only time it's justified is when my brothers are dating girls who haven't met me before. Then it's fucking fun.

If the movements of my soul are reflected in those around me, can I ever be truly alone? What pretentious tripe. Oh, but Sam, you say, that's all deep and intense. Nope. You wanna see something deep and intense I'll go kick an idiot into the grand canyon screaming the menu from Taco Bell. Lawyer'd.

I hear voices. I had hoped it was some roommates stating on the front deck, just hanging out (funny, I fully expected it even though we're rounding 2:30am) but nobody is out there. I'd like to investigate but R.Kelly might make me pee in his mouth.

hahahahahah that's what she said

I wish I could tell everybody about some crazy story involving some weird ass dating antics, but I'm all out of those. Yes really. And when people ask I get a whole of "Yeah but there's always some crazy you're not telling us about". Not this time. It's probably not good that this is a thing I'm known for. I remember when nobody believed me about the restraining order. Now it's more like "just one?" I guess trying Plenty of Fish again is out of the question.

I know the truth is more complicated, but "trees sneezing" is an awesome way to answer "What is wind?".

I have this awful tendency to get lost in my own head all the damn time. It's no wonder why I play video games and read 1000 page books. Sometimes I'd rather lose myself into something that is not me over thinking the hell out of something. Also I'd go stark raving nuts without music to listen to on the bus on walking alone.

That's me. You know that noise you make? The one where you shut the fuck up? You should do that more often.

 Sam

You know you're a redneck when....

Christmas was fun.

New Years was drama filled.

However, neither event was the highlight of the holidays, that award goes to the complete meltdown of the neighbours across the street. It was a sight to behold. And behear? I guess I'm making up words again today.

But first I need to give you some background. Just so you guys can appreciate this as much as I did. Also I'm probably a bad person for finding all this so entertaining, but that's okay, since I came to peace with that a long time ago.

Oh and I should probably tell you I used to be a big fan of Jerry Springer and Maury Povitch. If you don't know who/what those people/t.v. shows are you should google that shit. Also, my bedroom window faces the street. It's an important part of the story. Ish.

Sometime during this last summer the house directly across the street from us got the nickname "the crack house". I don't know who named it that, or why, but it definitely stuck. Then it got weird. And creepily real. The variety of cars that would pull up late at 1 or 2 in the morning just long enough for somebody to run in and out of the house. The odd older gentleman with the ponytail and the glazed over eyes riding his longboard up and down the street. That one afternoon I fell asleep with a book on the recliner out front and woke up to find 3 people standing in their driveway staring at me. That guy who spent the entire summer working on his truck blaring new Metallica (new Metallica sucks) asking me if the cops kept an eye on the neighbourhood.

Kinda weird right? But whatever. We'd crack the odd joke about them but nothing ever really happened.

Now, fast forward to a few days ago.

(See what I did there? Normally you can't fast forward to the past, but today we're playing with the rules of time and space motherfucker. This has nothing to do with the fact that I watched a couple Star Trek movies this week. NOTHING!)

So last week I left my bedroom window open a bit, like I usually do. This let me hear all the screaming that started at about 8am. It was loud. I thought it was coming from downstairs for some reason, even though I've been mostly by myself in the house during the holidays. Not to mention, my housemates aren't much for screaming in the living room first thing in the morning...sober...on a weekday.

Groggy, but curious as hell, I go downstairs. Nobody's there but I can still hear the yelling. Color me confused. Now it sounds like it's coming from outside. I peek out the living room window and oh what a sight awaited me.

Full on redneck white trash appeared before me in all it's skuzzy glory. A creepily skinny brunette wearing a too-small pink bathrobe and slippers holding a cigarette in one shaking hand, is yelling at this dude with baggy pants, a wife-beater (The t-shirt, not like a stick or something) and a bandanna wrapped around his neck.

The girl is on the left, the guy is on the right and in the middle is some garbage.

Naturally I ran upstairs where I could hear better and pulled the blind on my window up just enough that I could watch the show.

Pink bathrobe is screaming DAVID! DAVID! DAVID!

"David" is walking up the street.

Pink bathrobe is all "GODDAMN IT COME BACK HERE AND TALK TO ME!"

"David" keep walking up the street.

Pink bathrobe keeps yelling "IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU BASTARD"

"David" turns around and makes a show about lighting a cigarette.

"FINE YOU FUCKING BASTARD BE THAT WAY!"

"David" starts walking away again.

Someone else come sout of the house, get into the car in the driveway.

Pink bathrobe keeps doing what she's good at: "FUCK YOU BOTH" and starts kicking the car as it pulls out the driveway.

The car pulls up beside Dave and he gets in and the car dives off.

Pink bathrobe starts muttering and slams the door of her house as she goes back inside.

Weird thing to wake up to right? Then I fell back on my bed, got back asleep and had a dream where I was married and had a child destined to destroy the world.

That's me. Real life is better than t.v. sometimes. Which is nice considering I don't have cable.

Spammy

Am I bad person?

...if I root for the ninja turtle in this picture? Then again I always root for the ninja turtles.



...if I find it hilarious to see somebody shoot a zombie with a shotgun?

...if I enjoy a good alien punching every now and then?

...if hunting down and slaughtering dragons with an axe summoned from another dimension helps me relax on the weekends?

...if I disagree with the song choice made of a bunch of deaf kids?

...if I idly daydreamed about fitting a dead body inside one of the empty peanut butter drums work?

...if I laugh at a video in which a scorned British dude kicks a dog clear across a street

...if I don't give a rat's ass about a band's political views or the fact the members are all giant douche-tards even though I love the music they make?

...if even though I haven't posted a blog entry since September, the number of hits on my page is the highest it's ever been for the month of November?

...if I wished a painful death on the person who stole my spoon?

...if I don't really understand what my brother does for a living, but have convinced people that he "fixes the internet"?

Blah blah, haven't posted in a while, blah blah, girl stuff, blah blah, star wars, blah blah, lord of the rings, blah blah, work sucks.

That's me. I NEED TO KNOW!

SpAmmy