Help me Obi-Wan!

So. I am in the midst of a dilemma. Shitty thing is even with a few days off work and lots of lying in bed listening to music wondering how practical it would be to paint something funny on my ceiling, I'm still trying to figure it out. I find that trying to figure shit it pretty much IS the story of my life, but that's okay since that's probably the same for most people. I  always figure something out, but getting there kinda blows some days. Gah! Thoughts! Feelings! Some days I wish I was a robot, but that ship has pretty much sailed so I'll stick with this this whole "human" thing...for now.

The only thing he could never do was love. Also, windsurfing.

So I've been pretty miserable at work the past little while. Nothing all that new, really but crummy enough that I'd been fantasizing a bit about not working there anymore. Maybe giving another shot at  something different like I was trying to do a few years back. Of course back then I ended up going back to school and that was a slight turning point in my life and one of the best decisions I ever made. But lately? Travel and adventure and new sound pretty badass.

Then I get a visit from Lysee, and she's been trying to convince me to move out to Vancouver ever since she went and did it. And I am definitely tempted. Then talking to Jay he starts going on about when he went and worked in Lake Louise and Banff. That sounded pretty awesome too. Mom mentions my almost successful attempt at working on a cruise line. So I started investigating and there are some definite opportunities to go places and do stuff. I am a fan of doing stuff.

But then I start asking around work about maybe doing a leave of absence type thingy, but it was made pretty damn clear that they don't really want me to leave. In a good way. And I am a big fan of all the money they give me, if not for work they make me do to earn it sometimes.

So. Problem. This isn't a nice all at once thing, this has been taking place over the last couple weeks.

So now I feel like this:

Pretty great way to get out of sharing. Take that kindergarten!

Now I'm at the point where I need help figuring out what I want to do. This is sorta leading into the whole "what do you want to do with your life" thing I never really bothered to figure out yet since I sorta decided just to wing it, not make plans, and see what happens. Except I did kinda make plans. Sorta. There were rough guidelines happening. Star Wars nook.

I've been starting to ask around for advice and what's been happening has been mostly predictable. The people with families and responsibilities and grown-up lives are all giving "stay and make money and start investing in your future" type of advice. All the irresponsible people that I like drinking with are all "go live out of a backpack for the next 2 years". And I think both of these ideas sound good.

It'd be so much easier to decide if I had kids, a wife, a mortgage, a car, a girlfriend, something. But I don't. If I stay it's more likely that these things will happen. But do I even want these things? But I also don't want to regret not making the slightly irresponsible choices while I have the opportunity.

Taking some advice from Kate I borrowed a giant white board and started a Go/Stay list. It got pretty full. Then after a while I drew 2 stick figures watching a monster eating another stick figure because thinking is hard.

And tonight I can't sleep. So there's that too.

But I have decided that if I stay I've got to make some changes in my life. And if I go, well that's a big change in and of itself, so I'd probably be content with that.

Unless I get eated by something. I hope it's a dinosaur!

I'm just sorta feeling like I'm standing on a big mountain and I need to pick which side to go down. I wish somebody would just kick me over one of the fucking edges already. It's not nearly as clear cut a choice as I'm making it out to be, but it damn well feels like it.

No idea what I'm going to do. But I do know I'm going to do something. That counts right? I still have time to worry, which is both nice and not nice at the same time. Deadline looks an awful lot like August at the moment.

Blargh! 

That's me. Oh and in between all this shit there were some dating fails, and a joke so blasphemous that I might be going to hell. Oh how I did laugh. Good times.

Spammy Von Awesome

I am nothing like a marine

Today I was pretty damn frustrated.

So of course I decided I was going to go home and re-evaluate my life and listen to music that sounds better when it's played loud, cause it's good to do that every once in a while.

But then when I actually get home I end up looking at a powerpoint presentation of wedding plans, watch part of a show where a guy goes to an OB-GYN and gets pills for a bruised spine that are normally for mentrual cramps and discuss how, Yes, I like 500 days of Summer. That's what happens when you live with chicks. Doesn't matter though since we can compromise on all this.

I'm not going to tell her I'm disappointed about the lack of chocolate chips.

However it's all kinds of awesome to come home and sit on the couch, get  harassed my housemates, watch a new sitcom, and dicuss our love lives.

This feeling of anticipation hasn't gone away yet. It's weird. It's like when you're a kid and you get to go to wonderland the next day for your birthday (...or when you turn 26). But it's lasted like 3 weeks!  So what the hell do I do?

Oh and my language has slipped into the gutter again. It's like High School bad with all the swearing and such now. The bad part about working in a place where you have to have ear-plus all day is that it's super easy to swear pretty loudly and nobody can tell what you're saying...ish. It's slightly difficult to misinterpret the word "fuck".

We had an indoor barbeque last night. It was too cold for an outdoor one. We made a whole bunch of hotdogs and bugers and stuff and then moved some of the living room furniture and spread a blanket on the floor and sat and yelled at each other. It was awesome.

I emailed a whole bunch of people last week because I'm usually pretty bad for keeping in contact with those I don't see on a regular basis, and now I think a portion of every Sunday is going to be dedicated to doing that from now on. It's been awesome to hear back from everybody. So that journey shall definitely continue.

Thought of the day: Remember, they give extra points for alacrity and effulgence.

That's me. Definitely would use laser metal eye beams to make cookies.

 Sam

 

I have feelings dammit!

So you know how every once in a while (and by that I mean constantly) I complain about my love life? I either have to do that a helluva lot more, or maybe less. Surprisingly enough the universe balances itself out every once in a while. Like for example when you help a kinda/sorta friend out with a semi-legal issue and she jumps you in her kitchen while you're making lunch. And then of course you end up nailing her on her kitchen table....to start.

And here I thought I was having a terrible week.

Well I still am having a terrible week, but this is sort of turning things around a bit. The thing is, there wasn't much talking involved so I have no real clue as to how the fuck this happened. I had to leave for work so there wasn't even any post-getting-it-on discussion (I hate the term "afterglow") just a bit cuddling.

..and with the word "cuddling" I hope to have won the approval of my female readers

And they say chivalry is dead

My roommate asked me if it's true that for that for guys you don't have to have any feelings involved in order to get laid.  It used to be that yes, without a doubt, I had to have some sort emotional connection to a girl because I firmly believed sex meant something. And I still do. Mostly.

The thing is sometimes sex is just sex. For a chubby geek who reads a lot I've actually had a couple one night stands and such (it's strange what 6 shots of tequila does for a guy's confidence) and there was not emotional connection there. And you know what, sometimes sex means a whole lot more than getting off. It depends on who you're with and how you feel about it. Probably not surprising.

Now the kicker. I have no idea what happened. But I'm single and I've been having a stressful week, so when an attractive girl puts her tongue in your mouth as far as you think it'll go (I was wrong on that btw, later on I was pretty sure at one point she licked my tonsils) I just sorta went with it. And it kept escalating....all over her apartment.

But of course me being me I have started to over think the shit out of it. I need to know why/how this happened. If for nothing more than so I remember how to pull this off again.

Was I used?

Was there feelings involved?

Was it just a "thank you" gone horribly horribly right?

Was it because there was not any reason for me to visit her anymore and she's been hiding that she has a thing for me for months?

Was it because guys have been treating her like shit lately and she overreacted to someone being nice to her?

Was it because she is on some sort of medication and she forgot to take it that morning?

Was it because she is way out of my league (wayyyy out of my league) and she thinks I'll try harder?

I think I would like to know. I tried calling her this morning...no answer.

What.The.Fuzzy.

I have feelings too (mostly) and I need an answer.

That's me. I really hoped she sanitized her kitchen table before her roommate came home and had dinner on it. Nobody wants a little bit of  Sam mixed in with their chicken fingers.

Spammy