Help me Obi-Wan!

So. I am in the midst of a dilemma. Shitty thing is even with a few days off work and lots of lying in bed listening to music wondering how practical it would be to paint something funny on my ceiling, I'm still trying to figure it out. I find that trying to figure shit it pretty much IS the story of my life, but that's okay since that's probably the same for most people. I  always figure something out, but getting there kinda blows some days. Gah! Thoughts! Feelings! Some days I wish I was a robot, but that ship has pretty much sailed so I'll stick with this this whole "human" thing...for now.

The only thing he could never do was love. Also, windsurfing.

So I've been pretty miserable at work the past little while. Nothing all that new, really but crummy enough that I'd been fantasizing a bit about not working there anymore. Maybe giving another shot at  something different like I was trying to do a few years back. Of course back then I ended up going back to school and that was a slight turning point in my life and one of the best decisions I ever made. But lately? Travel and adventure and new sound pretty badass.

Then I get a visit from Lysee, and she's been trying to convince me to move out to Vancouver ever since she went and did it. And I am definitely tempted. Then talking to Jay he starts going on about when he went and worked in Lake Louise and Banff. That sounded pretty awesome too. Mom mentions my almost successful attempt at working on a cruise line. So I started investigating and there are some definite opportunities to go places and do stuff. I am a fan of doing stuff.

But then I start asking around work about maybe doing a leave of absence type thingy, but it was made pretty damn clear that they don't really want me to leave. In a good way. And I am a big fan of all the money they give me, if not for work they make me do to earn it sometimes.

So. Problem. This isn't a nice all at once thing, this has been taking place over the last couple weeks.

So now I feel like this:

Pretty great way to get out of sharing. Take that kindergarten!

Now I'm at the point where I need help figuring out what I want to do. This is sorta leading into the whole "what do you want to do with your life" thing I never really bothered to figure out yet since I sorta decided just to wing it, not make plans, and see what happens. Except I did kinda make plans. Sorta. There were rough guidelines happening. Star Wars nook.

I've been starting to ask around for advice and what's been happening has been mostly predictable. The people with families and responsibilities and grown-up lives are all giving "stay and make money and start investing in your future" type of advice. All the irresponsible people that I like drinking with are all "go live out of a backpack for the next 2 years". And I think both of these ideas sound good.

It'd be so much easier to decide if I had kids, a wife, a mortgage, a car, a girlfriend, something. But I don't. If I stay it's more likely that these things will happen. But do I even want these things? But I also don't want to regret not making the slightly irresponsible choices while I have the opportunity.

Taking some advice from Kate I borrowed a giant white board and started a Go/Stay list. It got pretty full. Then after a while I drew 2 stick figures watching a monster eating another stick figure because thinking is hard.

And tonight I can't sleep. So there's that too.

But I have decided that if I stay I've got to make some changes in my life. And if I go, well that's a big change in and of itself, so I'd probably be content with that.

Unless I get eated by something. I hope it's a dinosaur!

I'm just sorta feeling like I'm standing on a big mountain and I need to pick which side to go down. I wish somebody would just kick me over one of the fucking edges already. It's not nearly as clear cut a choice as I'm making it out to be, but it damn well feels like it.

No idea what I'm going to do. But I do know I'm going to do something. That counts right? I still have time to worry, which is both nice and not nice at the same time. Deadline looks an awful lot like August at the moment.

Blargh! 

That's me. Oh and in between all this shit there were some dating fails, and a joke so blasphemous that I might be going to hell. Oh how I did laugh. Good times.

Spammy Von Awesome

The maternal figure that belongs to you.

Funny story. You know those people who have office jobs in a cubicle doing data entry or boring accounting work? Those people that nobody want to be like because work and somehow lives are uninteresting? I always wanted to be one of them.

I liked the idea of having steady hours, a steady paycheck (which I actually have now anyways) a car, a house and a nice vacation every year. Talking about it here still really appeals to me.

Is it weird that I have an odd desire for mediocrity?

Well your mom doesn't think so. She said so when she rolled over to turn the alarm off this morning.

Work hasn't so bad, but I can't wait until I get my own uniforms. It's a pain to keep scrounging every single day.

Plus sometimes the pants find are too small and I cant get my fly zipper up all the way. It's incrediably distracting because I walk around all day smelling your Mom's toothpaste.

Now Oral-B for sensitive teeth makes me really horny. Can't have that at work now can we? Unless of course I went and visited your Mom at work. The pimp and I get along really well.

Gowrsh I feel unproductive today.

That's me.

SpAmmy

It makes me talk to myself

Sappy music. Just cause.



My brain! It has failed me.

My brain! It is not a redhead in a Princess Leia slave costume!

My brain! It's only weakness is Kryptonite! (whisper) I might be superman.

My brain! Math is not my friend.

My brain! It talks to itself. Out loud.

I'm not a huge fan of working for a living, but I suppose I need something to do with my time since I do tend to get bored rather easily. But the new job scooping ice-cream and mixing candy into it isn't too bad. It's actually a pretty great work environment, and the people don't seem like they want to kill me and wear my head as a hat, and that usually a good sign. So far, thumbs up.

Oh yeah and maybe there are things I shouldn't mention there till people get "used" to me.

For example my habit of talking to myself has bitten me in the ass (again). When I spend a lot of time at the house by myself I tend to discuss stuff...with myself. It kinda fills the silence. But I kinda get into it too much and have a bit of trouble NOT talking to myself when I'm back around real people. Slightly awkward when a co-worker thinks you're talking to them when you're not. Even if you happen to be looking right at them.

I'm going to get a reputation. Chances are it'll probably be the same one I already have.

Also I probably should not have discussed pant-less Tuesdays outside the house. Apparently some "people" (and friends) don't get it. Pant-less Tuesday doesn't just happen on Tuesdays people, it is a celebration that happens when I don't need to get dressed because nobody else is here. Why is this a difficult concept? I mean, besides the whole name of the event confusing people thing. That part I think I get.

Today I did Laundry and cleaned my room (and watched like 7 episodes of How I met Your Mother, Barney is so awesome, but sometimes it bothers me how much Ted reminds me of me what with the failed philosophizing and idealistic romantic notions and such) Tomorrow will be the kitchen and fridge. I'm productive!

....and bored as shit. I should probably work on that whole "social life" thing some people have. I might have a Plenty of Fish date coming up, but those are always a mixed bag at best. Of course I'll tell you how it goes.

Oh and interesting ideas for the future lately, and that's always fun!

Anyway that's me. No idea how a 1/2 hour bike ride justified more than 3 hours of video games. Maybe my brain is good for something after all!

SpAmmy