I love how Egar treats Ringil. No matter what's going on Egar backs him up a bazillion percent. A word, a gesture, a half formed thought and he's right there no questions asked. It's also awesome how he says things like "I'm with the fucking faggot." Yep, Ringil is pretty gay and everyone has a problem with it. Not Egar though, not even a little. You see, they have a bond that transcends a difference of cultures, beliefs and personal life choices. Egar doesn't care that Ringil likes smoking pole because that has nothing to do with the fact that if he ever needed help then Ringil would be there, and vice versa. More people should act like this. Who cares about gender, race or sexual orientation?

Damn, epic fantasy novels have EVERYTHING.

I came home smelling like fruit. I couldn't be sure which fruit, or even what fruit I would have preferred to smell of. The cats liked it though, I got followed around. FINALLY SOME PUSSY. Yay tasteless jokes classing the place up!

It's too easy to label an opposing person or group as "insane". It just dehumanizes your opposition and in a lame attempt to justify your conflict.

Twilight fans are not insane. Just stupid.

I hate twilight.

It's hard not to have expectations of people in your life, but I think I may be managing it. Just because people are important to you doesn't mean you are important to them. I have just decided to take solace in the fact that I have people that are important to me. It doesn't matter what they do about it, they are still there. I just overthink shit waaayyy too much. I'm quite happy with my friends and family, and I plan on staying that way.

Really really really want this cruise ship job. So so so bad.

Not for the travelling.
Not for the experience.
Not for the money.
Not for the pickup attempts.

I just love any excuse to sing I'm on a boat by the lonely island (ft T-pain).

I love that song.

That's me, I fucking love unexpected phone conversations. Almost as fun as shlushee walks.

Jayson is taking way to long to send me shit I want. I forgot until today that he has Feast of Crows. The only copy we have. It sucks when I get into a series and can't find the next book. Of course it happens to be my own damn fault for not finding all the books first, but what can you do.

Well I can find all the books first. Duh.

I have a place I can live for the summer and maybe longer!(if I get more hours or a new or second job) Yay for Josh!

So yeah need to step up the already stepped up job hunt. Of course this all may be a non issue if I get a cruise line contract job. Of course if I get into University then I can stay with Josh thanks to osap and overdraft. Hmm this might all work out. That would be fun.

And if I don't get into Guelph I wanted to start saving up to travel anyways and I was planning on finding more work anyways. It's not like I don't have the time. It's not like I don't have to be out of the house while people look at it.

Well I have problems motivating myself, but this shit just fell into my fucking lap and I'd be a complete and absolute asshat not to jump on this with both feet.

Of course I may be a complete and absolute asshat. It's debatable.

It bothers me when singers and bands refer to themselves in their own music. Rappers and hip hop artists I'm looking at you. I imagine that since most rap and hip songs feature tons of other artists and whatnot that it might be hard to be identifiable sometimes. But it bothers me. You have been warned.

LIGHTSABER BATARANG holy shit I'm a genius.

I've been listening to a lot of A Day To Remember lately. I'm really into it.

I read this article the other day about this new website that provides female gamers to play on xbox live for a fee. If you're a chick you sign up, make a profile and go. If you're a lonely dude looking for female companionship and willing to pay for it, then you're set. I suppose it makes sense as they are probably no shortage of people willing to use this service. But really? C'mon. Really? You can try online dating for free. You are paying someone to play video games with you, which you are already doing if you're on xbox live. I can't tell if the people who came up with this idea are visionaries or vultures preying on the desperate, but either way this will probably take off.

I can't decide if I liked The Losers or not. I have decided however that the music totally made the movie. And I've liked Chris Evans ever since I saw Push. And the new rule is Sam picks the movie on cheap night. Unless you bring him a date. Fair? I think so.

That's me. Trying not to get my hopes up again.

I may not be perfect, but I'll always try.

Soon is not now.

It's okay if you can't see your testicles as long as you know where they are.

He's just busting your chops. Your chops are your nuts, right?

I can't wait to pack THAT into my colon.

I'll hold your hair if you're going to barf in the simulator.

I could lick you all day long. And my children think I'm a failure.

So with the recent "getting fucked over raw" at work thing going on, I've decided I'm just going to be very tired, starting now and for as long as I can pull it off. With the job hunt not going so well, that means the foreseeable future. This week I hit the gym everyday. Who knows, maybe it'll help with my whole sleeping problem. It hasn't yet but maybe since I'm going to go everyday instead of every other day.

At the Y today there was a girl just bawling at one of the tables in the foyer. I came back with a tissue pack from my car. I was still an asshole for being a man, but apparently there is hope for my gender. I know I'm an asshole, I'm a man, but I don't think I've ever been hope before. I like being hope.

So I sent off a copy of my resume, a cover letter and a couple bucks to 2 more agencies that hire for cruise lines. Working on a cruise ship hits a lot of stuff I've been trying to accomplish. Or so I'd like to believe. Anyways it's not like I have anything to lose. And even with an agency taking a portion of my weekly wages it's still more money than I'm making now.

I need a full time job. At least for the summer. Y'know what's really motivating? My parents have put their house up on the market. Y'know what's really fucking aggravating? That I get to hold their fucking hands while they sell the house but they won't take any of my advice. Cause I wouldn't know anything about selling a house. Arrgh. Watching all those home improvement and decorating shows apparently makes one an expert.

I gets people this week! Josh and Lysee. Meg too I guess. Lysee is temporary but good. Josh hopefully not so temporary and good. Meg can get us beer maybe? Kidding. Mostly. I think I'm going to actually try with Meg, and when I meet Janice.

There is something I know for certain. The next girl that meets my parents does so at the wedding rehearsal dinner. Possibly as early as after I pop the question. No sooner than that If I have the choice.

That's me. Amused, confused and abused.

So I've been trying to figure out what it is that lights a fire under my ass. Trying to figure out what my passions are, and maybe that will lead into some kind of motivation to kick start something. At the very least I just want to figure out just what is is I want.

Marilyn went on a great semi-rant the other day in the break room. She loves working with and educating people, mostly in a one on one setting. So that's what she does. She volunteers at 2 schools, at an adult education centre and will be going to school starting this summer to make it a career. She want to teach ESL. A fifty year old mother of 3 is more ambitious than I am. In my defense, she has a very outgoing and take no shit attitude, and when she puts her mind to something, she makes it happen.

I thought maybe I should try that.

Turns out my shortlist is just that.

I read. And read. And read some more. I love to do it. Exploring new worlds (especially in a fantasy setting) appeals to me. Which probably leads into my huge desire to do some travelling. Even though I've barely done anything I know I want to get out and around, cross an ocean or two.

I do like to write. The funny thing is that I prefer updating a blog more than I do the short stories I put together and send off. The blog is fun and raw and unedited. The short stories and the storyboarding and research and stuff is a lot of work. And some days it feels like work. And I don't know how I feel about that. I can't even show the sort stories to people I like, and that's not a good sign. So I don't know how I feel about writing. I'll never stop blogging, lord knows I've tried.

I like learning stuff. So it was probably a good thing to apply to the UofG.

Listening to music is what gets me through my day. Period. Without music I'd be on Springer getting beat up by a redneck pimp wearing only a tie while a disease ridden hooker goes off the hook cause I didn't cross the street when she is clearly the queen of the universe. Playing music and leaning music isn't going so great. But I'm not ready to give up on it quite yet. I know people who could just sit and play a piano or a guitar for hours and hours on end. That's not me. Not yet anyways.

I like the gym. But that mostly out of boredom and an attempt to get me to sleep properly at night. I have bee toying with the idea of taking group fitness training or something. But first I have to not be a tubby geek. Which I'm working on.

So books, learning, music, travel, maybe writing, and the gym. Now make it work for me.

That's as far as I am at the moment with this.

I hate that whenever work seems to actually be a decent place, something happens to fuck me right over. I don't fucking care anymore. I love the staff but I can't keep doing this bullshit anymore. Fuck you work, even if I get into university I'm getting the fuck outta there. Goddamn it all I wish that Indigo would have worked out for me. But there's a lot of stuff I can wish for if that's what we're doing. I hate that I refuse to work a call centre or in a kitchen. But I will not do either of those things.

Urgh, this little blurb might have had more power if I hadn't said it a bazillion fucking times before. The trick is to actually do something about it this time.

Oh and go see Kick-Ass. Easily the most awesome movie I've seen since Sherlock Holmes.

Yay summer movie season. I'm going to go see The Losers on Tuesday. I'm happy I have regular company for cheap nights in Cambridge again. Even if there's no chance of getting action with said company. But hey, can't have everything :)

That's me. I need a sarcasm sign. And a fire lit under my ass. And probably new underwear if I'm going to be lighting my ass on fire.

I may have mislead people in saying that Marlyn Manson or Tales of Vesperia or A Song of Ice and Fire are not confusing. They really are, just not to me. These things fit nicely into the little box I call my life and I understand them very well.

However, one of the things I'm trying to accomplish is try to find things outside my rather pathetic box and branch out. My thirst for knowledge and understanding doesn't start and end with angsty music, epic fantasy or rpgs. Those are just things I understand.

I think this may be a part of why I've tried so hard to get back to school.

But things aren't working out the way I'd like. In fact the only thing I've been taking semi-seriously is making it to the gym. But I could do better. I'm having a motivation problem. And I'm getting sucked back into comfortable work stuff. Work isn't difficult, and the people are great. It'd be easy just to park my ass and just be the go to guy again. So easy. So easy I've been doing it without thinking. It actually requires no effort on my part. I've fallen back into old patterns. Doing favors and getting shitty little perks and playing politics again. And I'm good at it. But every time I stop and think about it, I decide I don't like it. This shit was supposed to be temporary.

But that means I have to stop and think about it. It's so easy not to.

I've come a long way. I don't run away anymore, I stick it out and get things resolved. So I know how to finish stuff, fix stuff, but I have to learn how to start stuff. Actively working towards something better. I always have an excuse for stuff, I always have some reason for waiting stuff out. It's never gotten me anywhere.I have to move, to act. I have goals and I have to work on them. I want to travel. So why am I not travelling? I still work part time. Why the fuck do I still work part time? I can work towards all that stuff while waiting for letters from the university.

Oh and you'll be pleased to know I misinterpreted a remark about not being able to eat yogurt due to a food allergy as a jizz joke. Yup. Awkward.

And this lady at work calls me Sammie. Which normally would be fine as tons of people cal me Sammie. I call me Sammie sometimes. Penny calls me Sammie because that's what she calls her daughter Samantha. Warms my heart it does.

There. Ranting and raving and personal revelations and some comedy. My work here is done.

That's me. Ninja turtle sammich!

Fuck chasing people down. I'm so sick of having people flake out on me. Thanks not getting back to me, despite everything you told me. People I see on a regular basis can get back to me, but I can't even get a "no I'm busy". For fucks sake. Sammie dislikes.

You have my number...and facebook...and msn. I know neither of you are going to use it. But you've got it. Good Luck. Sammie gives up.

Yeah I'm kinda pissed. Fuck People. Who needs em? Why is it so hard to have people to just hang out with? Sammie annoyed.

You are the disaster that I can't stop chasing after. Sammie confused.

Not that it takes away from the great night I had. Kick-Ass was easily the best movie I've seen since Sherlock Holmes and might even be better. Sammie likes.

Plus, might be able to work outside in the garden centre, which is ten times better than standing at the register. That would be nice. Sammie likes.

Screamo music phase. I don't know why, it's just what it is. Mmm Silverstein. Sammie likes.

Trying to wonder why I've been so off the last few days. I wonder if it's this perspective struggle I've been having lately. That night I did actually get out and I did what I wanted really gave me lots to think about. Sammie contemplative.

I may just be as batshit as any of these wackos I've been trying to date. I think I give up on that too. Sammie disappointed.

I don't know how I can still be so confused still. Sammie confused.

You know what's not confusing? Tales of Vesperia, A Song of Ice and Fire and some acoustic Marilyn Manson. Sammie ruefully smiling.

That's me. Haircut time?

Okay boys and girls time to listen up now. Time to turn off your newfangled music players and cellermaphones and pull up a chair. Just be warned: we might crank this shit up to PG 13.

Was asked to participate (actually it was more like dragged in kicking and screaming) in a discussion about the attractiveness of a potential mate.

There are a lot of ways to connect with people. I pretty much acknowledge the "big 3". I know there are more and many variations, but it all boils down to physical, intellectual and emotional connections.

Having friends mean having the emotional and/or intellectual connection with those people. But being in a "dating" relationship means having the physical part and possibly one or both of the others.

Following?

Having a physical attraction to someone you're dating is a must. There has to be some level of physical desire to make a physical relationship work. You can't fuck an awesome personality. Crude I know. Sorry. Well not really.

I tend to prefer short, petite women with long hair. Does that mean that's the only type of woman I'm attracted to? Nope. But that's what I look for when I'm looking.

Now to throw everyone for a loop. The physical part doesn't actually matter to me. Fucking weird and possibly hypocritical considering my history. But it's true. I learned in high school working a shitload of gorgeous model/waitresses. Definitly the source of my high school spank bank. However there were some crazy ass bitches there. Some real Cee You Next Tuesday types. And some who has less personality than ceramic floor tiles. Looks aren't everything. I learned that ages ago.

Unfortunately that has come back to bite me in the ass. That's why I always end up in the friend zone. I tend to cultivate and prefer the emotinal and intellectual connections I have with people over physical connections.

Now don't get me wrong I like having friends. Usually. But it's the whole escalating the physical part that I have trouble with. Usually. Drunk and uncaring, despite how much trouble I have gotten into, has been amazing for escalating a physical connection with someone. The trick is to do that while not drunk and not in an environment that encourage such things like bars, clubs, parks, abandoned roads behind the house you grew up in, the mall bathroom, etc.

So I guess I've got to turn up the douchebag in me? That doesn't sound right.

But maybe just pushing myself to talk to women where there is not attraction besides the fact that they're hot and I'm horny? That doesn't sounds good either.

Maybe just pushing myself to talk to women period? Establishing a rapport and THEN escalating the physical? That sounds...well not too bad actually.

Urgh I hate discussing dating in such terms however.

Also I have a very good idea, despite my success, that I'm not the ideal partner physically for anybody. Which is fine. They gym thing I'm doing is to get healthy, considering all the problems dad has had in the paste few years, I'd be stupid not to. But it'd be nice to be approached. I like being pursued. So 2 birds with one stone? Maybe. I've noticed results personally but it's hard for others to notice. But Ive ramped things up a bit, and maybe I can get noticed for once. It'd be nice.

There. I hoped you learned something.

That's me, pretending that I know what I'm talking about.

It's really irritating that I thought yesterday was a productive day. It really wasn't, so why did I think it was? The only thing that happened was a handful of phone conversations with people I haven't spoken to in a while. I didn't even go to work. Hell I didn't even get out to a movie. Hmm I don't like this. This is a problem.

I want to go to Tbay to see Jay. I also would like Josh to be back in Guelph so I can see his dumb ass too. Even if I only have a vague idea of why the fuck he is moving back.

I want to go gambling. I need to shave.

Okay so it's been long established that I'm the evil twin. Mostly when it was discovered what I spent my time actually doing with friends in high school when everyone thought it was video games and pizza parties.

But am I still the evil twin? It's can't just be for my love of Metal and my recent escapades with the fairer (arguable) sex. Or is it? Jay has settled down for all intents and purposes. But that works for him. It's just not something I'm really looking for anymore.

I still give my right hand that subtle look of longing now and again. Maybe it's time to go out with the girls. Making out with some strange sounds pretty good right about now. Well I dunno. Their recreational activities have taken a turn I'm not terribly comfortable with. Which is terribly disappointing as there aren't a lot of people I like to spend time with. Maybe if I just keep out of the apartment?

Any ranting and raving today? No I guess not.

Oo and I had a neat idea. Instead of just writing neat occult gothic fantasy, I was thinking about doing more traditional stuff. It was pointed out to me that I (like everyone I suppose) have gone through some interesting shit in my life. Maybe I'll try putting some of it in writing? Mix things up a bit? Add some shit? Maybe change it up, have things turn out better/worse then they actually did? Lots of short story ideas there I suppose. Or maybe I could try something a little more ambitious than a short story? Novella (amazing word) maybe? I'd have to start storyboarding and making notes.

Food for thought nom nom nom.

That's me. Slightly weirded out over some similarities.

Wow I didn't know how much I needed that until I walked in my door. THAT IS WHAT I WANT. I want nights like THAT. They are my favourite and something I always work towards. Too bad they almost never happen anymore.

I've been making faces at the girls when I'm at work. I've gotten some funny reactions from innocent bystanders caught in the crossfire. Work has been going unexpectedly well lately.

So while thinking about the whole tattoo thing I actually came up with a written phrase I would permanently inscribe on my body. I mean there are lots of quotes that I like, tons of song lyrics mean a lot to me. But it's something that hits me every time and for some reason means so much. Cool eh?

Pressure from a lot of angles to ramp up my writing process. Maybe send stories to places that will pay money for them. The only problem is that when I write, I just get an idea and just go and go and go. It's not somthing I notice. Sometimes time just fades away. But I think I'll try to take it more seriously.

Like right now.

That's me. I'm sweet.

Unfortunately cute girl at the t-shirt stand has a boyfriend. I think. Or else a very possessive male friend who took offense at me talking to her. Turns out he was a nice guy and I may have inadvertently joined a fantasy book club. That was a rather weird hour.

Having trouble not thinking about stuff lately.

Even if things didn't work out romantically with Melissa I got closer to her than I have just about anybody in a long time. But she seems to have dropped off the face of the planet as far as returning texts and following up on things she has said to me. I'm pretty disappointed, as learning about Ekankhar meant a lot to me, and I have no idea if she's still willing to help me with that. And no clue as to the status of the seminar in Toronto. It's happened before but I hate it when people I get close to just disappear.

I do like learning the guitar. Even if she's doing it in an "interesting" way. Musician drama is kinda cute, mostly cause I don't care.

Not a bloody clue as to how I feel about Tanya. Who has a boyfriend. Ish. Who she doesn't like and wouldn't be with if not for some credit card thing? I'm not sure. She made a crummy first impression. She is materialistic, and is kinda clueless about regular everyday things like cooking for oneself or taking the bus. However when not talking about her fucked situation with her ex or stressing about stuff she really has absolutely no control over she is actually pretty good company. Very intelligent, shows some ambition and a not so buried deep sense of humor. Plus she gets stuck in her basement a lot too so I kinda feel for her.

I do miss having a real social life. Maybe when Josh comes to Guelph it'll be better. I'll have a place to hang out maybe? And play video games? The male companionship would be just super. Maybe get to play a PS2 again. The Xbox only has a bare handfull of decent rpgs. I miss my front mission and xenosaga games.

Err weird ass shit. No different than usual.

G driving test on Friday!

Re-did my Plenty of Fish stuff. No clue, don't ask. Not sure myself. I'm actually getting a helluva lot more play just walking up to women and talking to them. I wonder if I should watch the 40 year old virgin and go for those tips. Or just cause it's an awesome movie that I haven't seen in t0o long.

Waiting, waiting waiting to hear from the UofG. Put me out of my fucking misery already. I don't want to look for full time till I know one way or another. Especially since I have that "promotion". Yeah probably not more money, maybe not more hours but I will be getting trained at the customer service desk. It's slightly a big deal. Slightly. But it means I can say goodbye to the walk in, do my shit, walk out, thing I kinda like about being on cash. But I need the hours and might be able to scam a raise. Fucking union.

Getting into Dead by April. Most people hate the weird melodic screamo/nu metal stuff. I like it. I also like a lot of different stuff. There's Paramour and Avril Lavigne on my computer.

Umm have decided to ramp up the gym thingy. Will start to use the stuff Mum and Dad have rotting in the basement. No more fast food either.

Begin thinking with the wrong head.

Boobs. They make women win. Or so they think.... muahahahaha. Boobs only win arguments when they're in my mouth. Need some help. With my junk. I'm hurting lately. Maybe if one of these attractive young students I spend my time with would put out....

Stop thinking with the wrong head.

That's me. Thinking always gets me into trouble. No matter which head I do it with.

Han shot first. Tequila shot second.

Cute girl reading David Gemmel at the t-shirt stand in the mall.

Wham.

Sam swoops in talks fantasy books and recommends Guy Gavrial Kay and Micheal A Stackpole.

Bam.

Sam needs an excuse to go back to the mall so he can find out if when cute book reading girl works so he can work up the balls to get a phone number because he didn't sack up after 20 minutes talking fantasy books.

Thank you ma'am.

Err that sounded a lot cooler and more successful in my head. But hey considering how I usually do with women that went swimmingly. However it seems a bit much that I'm considering going out of my way just to see If a cute girl is working. Then I have to work up the balls and talk to her. This is a complicated multi step program that requires a lot of thought and planning. And a lot of unreasonable wandering of the Stone Road Mall. But again considering how I usually do with women....

Deleted my Plenty of Fish account. Maybe I'll try again but I'm just sick of no one replying, and the ones that do reply turning out to be certifiable. At least it's nice to know I'm just weird and not insane.

Yet.

I'm just trying not to have all these expectations and things anymore. I tend to try way to hard and open up way too much and way too fast. I'm not looking for a soul mate, I'm looking for someone to hang out and spend some time with. To get out, maybe learn something. I don't want to be the settle down type of guy anymore. I'd just like to have some fun.

I'm also considering a lot of stuff involving having exclusively female friends. Not that I'm ditching anyone, I like my friends. But maybe start pursuing women instead of befriending them. That's what I think the online thing was holding me back. I've gotten a helluva lot more play just going up to women and talking. Weird huh?

I'm a recovering nice guy still. Turns out one night stands and bat shit crazy women don't show you how to sack up.

Ooh also trying to jerk off less. Not necessary information. But sometimes sharing such things amuse me.

That's me. Trying to NOT figure people out. Harder than I thought.

"And clouds closed fast around the moon and one by one the gardens died."

Well I tried not writing. That didn't go so well.

I tried writing in a journal. Didn't like that. Well it was okay, just not for me.

So maybe this one doesn't get sent to all my friends. Or girls that I like that I'm trying to be friends with who now have boyfriends and confuse the blue fuck out of me. That happen more often then I'm comfortable with.

So if you're reading this, consider yourself special. But give me a few days to ramp back up to the weird ass, contemplative, complaining, slightly amusing normalcy that is me blogging.

And thanks for pushing me. I needed it.

That's me. I only made it a few weeks. But feels so good to be back.