It's not you, it's me.

Dear I don't mean to be a bother,

I hope this letter finds you well. I don't know where to start , so I'm going to be direct and honest with you. This is letter about how I feel towards you, should have been written probably sooner than later , but it is what it is, so here it is .

I appreciate your non-judgemental ways, it's almost like you are a blank page that I can use to fill up with my thoughts. I like that you are low-maintenance, that it's not a requirement to visit and find something special for us to take part in everyday. In a lot of ways this actually makes me come by more often, if that makes any sense.

What I love about you is the way you can convey all the thoughts I share with all my friends and loved ones who I don't get to see and talk to as often as I like. In many ways you are a reflection of my own mind. Well, a rather significant and slightly personal part of my mind.

However, you have made me think, time and time again, that you believe I'm afraid of commitment. But I think that's true to a certain extent, since there's something you don't know about me that you probably should.

A while ago I just hadn't been feeling the same about us and the direction we were heading. A lot of shit happened in my life at the time, as you know and some big changes have been made about the way I work , the way I live , and the way I think. And all of these changes had forced me to make a self evaluation , an internal inventory.

It's just that........... you're not the only one.

There. I said it.

I just feel like we are at the point where we need to be completely honest with each other. But it's not you. You're amazing, special and will always hold a place in my heart. It's me.

It's just that I have needs that cannot be met by being involved with just one blog. I have needs that you can't take care of. And I can't apologize because that's just how I am. You take care of anything I want to share with people, and that's what makes you wonderful.

However, there is stuff I want to write about that I don't want to share. So I have a blog for that. It involves a lot of things like "feelings" and I write about girls. Nobody gets to read that one. But there's more. I also have a blog solely devoted to discussing the advancement of my hopes and dreams and goals. Nobody reads that one either.

You're unique and do things for me that no other blog could ever do. And of course I plan on visiting you a few times a week for the foreseeable future. I just needed you to know.

I couldn't live the lie anymore.



That's me. What a weight off my shoulders. Finally free.

SpAmmy

The NeverEnding story

So tonight I heard a song that reminded me of this movie I absolutely loved as a kid. The move? The NeverEnding Story.

At it's core, it just about a kid who reads a fantasy adventure book and gets sucked in. Even the little kid version of Sam wanted to watch movies about kids reading fantasy books.

You see that floating dog thing on the poster? Luck Dragon. At the end the kid gets to ride on it and chase a bunch of bullies away. I wanted a Luck Dragon so bad a s a kid. Hell I'd still take a real-life dragon over just about anything in the entire world. But I liked this movie (actually I think there were 2 or 3) and I liked the books. Yes, the book based on the movies about a kid who reads books. I should have been the kid in that goddamn movie.

Anywho, speaking of my childhood, I ran into this guy who was pretty much my best friend in Elementary School. We were the same age, in the same classes, and I pretty much spent all of fifth and sixth grades trying to get rides over to his house so we could hang out and read animorph books and watch movies and talk about girls. We were still friends after we switched schools for jr.high but drifted apart in high school. I used to pretty much idolize this guy when we were little, but then I kinda got...different...role models.

So yeah he's married. Now I know 25 year olds get married, but still! I remembered when he bawled his eyes out over a girl in 7th grade after a dance that didn't go so well for him. Married. Kinda weird.

But then again, I though it was kinda strange when I saw Liv and Eric get married. Maybe it's just because I'm not used to my friends and people I know getting shacked up. When one of my brothers gets married I might freak out a bit. At the very least I'm going to give hilariously embarrassing (and probably more than slightly drunk) speeches. My friend's sister actually married yet another childhood friend and neighbour of mine. It's just kinda weird seeing your friends and people you know get married.

Also, while having a discussion with yet another friend, it was decided that I have 3 jobs and that's what I should tell people. I think it was supposed to make me feel better about having to tell people that I work a cash register and wash dishes for a living. But apparently I'm also to tell people that I'm a freelance fiction writer. I guess. My writing doesn't really pay the bills (any of them) but I recently was contacted by someone looking for content for a guild website for a bunch of hardcore gamers. Sounds kinda fun.

So yeah...3 jobs? And being a part time student. So riddle me this:

WHY THE FUCK DO I GET SO BORED AND RESTLESS ALL THE TIME?

Jay will probably say I need a girlfriend. That kinda sounds good. However, good luck to any chick trying to figure my dumb ass out. I can't even figure my dumb ass out lately. You want to know who doesn't care about figure me out but will still let me see their boobs?

Strippers. Too bad the guys night out fell through.

Music I like a fucking lot.



This possible "no garden centre" thing going around work is horseshit. I fucking loved working in the garden centre last summer. I'd be quite pissed.

It's a wedding speech kind of thing. I'm on it.

The world hates Jay. Kinda. Good enough for me. Yay!

That's me. My life is a never ending story. So far.

SpAmmy

Kryptonite

You'd think that since I'm "technically" on reading week I'd find the smallest, thinnest excuse for any kind of vacation and go take part in some heavy drinking. So far it's just been work, work, a whole lot of "I should go grocery shopping but don't feel like it", too much final fantasy 13 (yes, again) and next to no socializing.

Today was even productive! My room got cleaned, laundry got done, and I spent an hour at the Y doing my best to look like I wasn't ogling the girls taking part in the aerobics class (I was). But now I'm bored.

While comparing our dating lives, Jay said that if I had a kryptonite that it would be red. To which I scathingly responded "There's no such thing as red kryptonite you dumbass!".



Oops.

Well I always did mean to watch Smallville at some point. Apparently there's green, blue, gold and red forms of kryptonite. Then I decided that Thor could kick Superman's ass, the only thing Batman needs is lightsaber batarangs and both Hawkeye and Green Arrow kinda suck as superheros. I don't remember where I was going with this.

I'm bored. Fuck you "reading week". Actually I might literally read a whole lot this week. Hmm, thinking about it every week is a reading week for me, since in any given week I probably get through about 1500 pages of fantasy books.

But I went to the gym! And did Laundry! And I'm going to work!

Now if you'll excuse me I'll go make an elaborate diner for one and watch a movie based on a video game in which a cute redhead kills zombies with a bunch of friends and such.

New favorite song!



That's me. Who says I don't know how to have a good time? Besides me that is.


SpAmmy

Bacon brownies!

So as I was sitting in Moxie's today hanging out with two people I don't ever get to see, I decided I should be allowed to see them more often. Stupid having to work all weekend.

Plus, how often does anyone ever say the words "bacon brownies"?

Which were delicious by the way.

I miss Liv and Eric. Plus it's really funny to watch the interact with each other. Actually that's something I've know for years but somehow forget until Liv is trying to pummel a laughing Eric in a public place with her tiny fists. The possibility to go and visit them at the end of the semester makes me happy.

I think I'd kick ass at the quiet game, andI probably wouldn't let some kid win either.

It just sucks that I don't get to be around everybody I want to in general. But we all do what we can and just make the most of it when an opportunity does show up. Even just lunch and brownie baking can be awesome if you do it with the right people, and today was one of the best afternoons Ive had in quite a while. Saying goodbye sucks, but it's just goodbye until you get to see them again.

Last night despite swearing that I wasn't in the mood to go out, I got really restless and went out.

Yeah I don't know either, people.

I did get a message from Rachel that I'm not completely sure I understand but I'm going to make a wild stab at, so that should be interesting.

So apparently it's reading week. Yay? Everybody is going out and about (Quebec seems popular for some reason) and I'm stuck here working working working. But I am making awesome plans for summer so I do have lots to look forward to. However I still wish I was a student and living off my osap and had nothing better to worry about than a philosophy paper. But more and more I'm not sure if it's worth the 6 grand it'll take to get osap again. I'd rather just use the money to pay off my existing osap.

Ahh well. If I figure something out I'm sure I'll post it here. For now though, I'll just try to make my fucking rent without the bank going apeshit over it.

Ooo musical interlude:



I fucking love this song, and when I'm drunk and it's the last song before close? Epic.

That's me. I still have your wedding invitation and thank you note on my fridge.

SpAmmy

Use the force!

I have been educated. I am now more than I was yesterday. I feel like my knowledge is growing by leaps and bounds in the most incredible ways imaginable.

Also, got completely shitffaced on a Monday so there's that too.

So Valentine's Day was yesterday. And you know what? I actually had a good time. Been quite some time since I could say that, even if I didn't get any superhero valentine cards. Nothing is more special than having Wolverine tell you somebody wants to be your Valentine.

Or Vader.



Just saying.

But yeah going to Brass Taps and drinking and speed dating was much better than staying in. Actually given that the UofG has like 3 female students for every dude, I thought the place was going to packed with chicks, but not so much.

So it was 2 of my roommates and another guy who pretty much counts as living here from time to time, we went up to the Taps and "registered" and collected our pretty red envelopes filled with a bunch of useless papers consisting of the drink and dinner specials and a "scorecard". So the scorecard was for every date, you wrote down your date's name and then checked a "yes" if you wanted to see them again and a "no" if you didn't. The organizers are going to be sending us the email addresses of everyone we said yes to, but only if they said they wanted to see us again as well. Make sense?

It worked like this, there were 20 tables set up and the dates were 5 minutes long each. So every time the giant gong rang (p.s. really fucking want a giant gong now) the guys moved to the next table and the ladies just kinda sat there wondering what kind of creepy douche they were going to talk to next. And sometimes....that creepy douche.... was me!

First Date hated twilight and liked real vampires. Yes.

Second Date got mad when I ordered another beer. No.

Third Date was Kate(hey that rhymes!). I know where she lives. If she didn't check yes I'm going to be heartbroken...and then take a dump in her pillowcase.

Fourth through Sixth. I finished my beer somewhere here, and I don't really recall anything special, except for that one chick with braces. Don't know why I like em but braces on a chick is cute as hell. She got a yes.

Around here a small battle broke out between the mole people and the kitchen staff. I was actually pretty impressed with the marksmanship of the dude throwing chicken fingers. After the mole people survivors retreated with the typical "we'll be back", and the bodies were cleared away, the night continued.

Seventh Date. I mentioned that I was here with friends and asked if she had met Brad and Owen. She met Brad. She really liked Brad. The rest of the Date was her talking about Brad. She's going to be pretty upset when Brad doesn't email her back. No.

Eighth Date called herself awesome and seemed pretty pleased that I was a tad older then the other dudes, not to mention she was a redhead and didn't ask me any of the "sample questions" from the envelope. Yes. Around here I got another beer.

Ninth date didn't really want to be there. She also got visibly upset and made a bitter comment when both Laura and Corrine came by and rubbed my head. Hey, I got a haircut, a weird thing that chicks do that I'll never understand is rub the head of a dude who got a haircut. No. Also, apparently she was at a party that some of my housemates went to on the weekend.

Tenth date just broke up with her boyfriend of 2 years about 2 weeks ago. However she's into writing and interested in philosophy. I think it was a Yes for me. Finished the beer.

And that was all she wrote. All in all a good way to kill an hour. I went and found Corrine and Laura and the night from there was more drinking and pool playing and even a little Foosball. Dammit I remember when I used to be good at pool and Foosball. Not so much anymore. But I do have lots of fun blaming the losses on whoever was my partner.

I was trashed and had a good night, and that was all there was too it. Besides a vague recollection of wanting to kick Kate and Becca after we got home.

But I didn't talk about Star Wars all night! This should make up for it.



That's me. Apparently I am starting an underground pool club. And that's why I shouldn't be on facebook when I fall out of the drunk tree and hit every damn branch on the way down.

SpAmmy

I have a multiple dates for Valentine's day!

So we just had a rather hilarious misunderstanding of the word "controller". The word was said but some people misinterpreted the word as "cunt roller". Hilarity ensued.

Luke, I am your cunt-roller.

There's a giant cunt-roller attacking the city!

Do you have any cunt-rollers there bru?

Yup we're a classy bunch.

The kitchen manager's attitude towards his dishwashers is one that every kitchen manager should hold, that is he likes to keep em happy. But I might follow Jay's advice and ask to work the line if I end up staying there any amount of time, as it's probably a much better fit than being a dish pig. But working in the pit with Manny actually seems like it'll be pretty good for the time being. It makes a huge difference working with somebody you get along with.

In conclusion, the new Job hanging with Manny in a dish pit went pretty well.

As if there was any doubt.

But yeah today Manny definitely sold me on the speed dating thing. He told me that it would make an awesome blog entry, not to mention that however it goes we can all have a beer afterwards.

For Valentine's day the campus pub is having speed dating for all those losers (like yours truly) who couldn't get a real date. I've never ever done speed dating, and it's not like I have anything better to do (well masturbate and cry myself to sleep, but that's pretty much what I did last year). Besides it should be fun, as a bunch of my friends are super huge losers too. I swear that this time the "So... you wanna pet my Wookie?" pick up line will finally jump into the limelight.

Oh wait. Not speed dating. Soul mate searching in a timely fashion. Actually, I suppose that depends on who shows up... maybe I should get a new t-shirt for the occasion.


I'm sure antics will ensue that will entertain the internet on this very blog. Well the few and the wonderful who read it anyways.

That's me. Aubz is sending us a postcard!And for some reason she still thinks she's funny. Weird.


SpAmmy

More than meets the eye

Juice and hotdogs set off the fire alarm.

There might be a voodoo doll of me out there somewhere.

I like cake.

It's like riding a bike. It's easy and you never forget. Wait, more like riding a blonde. Actually more like having a blonde ride you.

The number 2 looked too short so we did the number 3 and it looks fine. But I shouldn't pretend to have my ear cut off again.

Inception is not insurmountable.

The beard plays.

I always thought I was a geek. Then I saw this.


So it looks like I clock in under all 3. I create, understand, collect, and yes I sometimes still get confused by really cool stuff. Maybe we need a new word for someone like me.

Well, I usually prefer "Sam".

So the other night I went through every post I've ever written on blogger and I've come to the conclusion that I used to be funnier, smarter, better looking and better with women. Well actually not even close, but sometimes it feels like it. I sometimes have problem motivating myself, but going through almost a year's worth of blogger posts kinda kicked me into high gear.

Oh yeah and I got another job. Not something to be proud about, but I do get to work with a buddy, and this should make it so it's not touch and go at the end of every month with the bills.

Well I hope.

But it has put me in a better mood and a better place so that's something. Not to mention the momentum kick start and motivational effects too.

So things are looking up?

Well I don't think I'd go so far. I'm still not working full time, which is what I need, but I have bought myself some breathing space.

So yeah since I had the weekend off I thought I'd just laze around and recharge my batteries. So far it's going swimmingly, even with the unintentional productivity of getting a job and a haircut.

Another thing I have at the moment are events planned to look forward to, and having something or things planned is usually quite important to me to keep from going all loopy. But having Liv and Eric visit is great... that is if I actually get a chance to see them, what with me getting a new job and all. But it's still great that they're coming down.

I would like very much to go visit Lysee, but that might not be in the cards either as getting time off will be a bitch and It'll be kinda tough to come up with the cash.

Fuck it. I just want to get on a plane and go somewhere... anywhere... for a while.

However the planning I would like the most to do is something else that hasn't happened in a while. I know how I am when I start getting into a girl and I start all these diabolical plans that usually blow up in my face but are so very much fun to plan and attempt to carry out. But I'm just kinda in a weird place right now, not to mention it's difficult to be proud of what I do for a "living". So yeah. Not that there aren't any girls, but I'm not sure about them/her at the moment. So I'm being patient maybe? I don't know anymore. That's that I suppose. Maybe? Fuck if I know.

For the moment.

Musical interlude. The only way I was able to stay sane this week.



That's me. I am more than what I do, and even more than what people see. Oddly enough I'm actually feeling pretty good.

FML?

So I nearly lost my shit last yesterday. Like all over the place. It was pretty bad. I was spitting fucking fire and speaking in tongues.

But I kinda feel better today. Want to know what gets things resolved? Besides righteous anger and a willingness to make a "scene" in a public place?

(let me segue here for a second; I work in customer service and I have dealt with the stupidest angriest assholes on the face of the earth and I would never ever condone losing your shit on anybody who jockeys a cash register or a customer service counter. I was dealing with a bank manager in her office who told me that I couldn't access my account, the one with all my money it, for the third time in 2 weeks.)

I took some of my hard earned money and went out and got trashed. It was fucking magical. The band was great, the company was excellent and you can never go wrong with $4 pints and free drink tickets.

I am slightly worried that I've been getting wasted lot cause things haven't been going so great. But getting trashed once a week isn't even half as bad a it used to be, so it should be fine.

But yeah, the moral of the story is yesterday was pretty fucking bad, but I feel better now. I have a couple leads on work, Jay is being super awesome and helpful (weird I know, but I'm rolling with it).

Things that make me happy: sex, and funny music videos involving the same.



That's me. The lonely island is fucking hilarious. It makes me fell better about how shitty stuff is at the moment.

SpAmmy

Booze it up

No one will drink Tequila with me anymore. I had to start drinking whiskey. This may be why.



Okay so Jay might not always be right, but he definitely was last week. Jerk. Maybe it was the icewine? Nobody likes icewine so maybe it has special powers not acknowledged by the general public. Crazy?

Yeah, crazy like a fox.Josh left a hilarious drunken message on the answering machine at my parent's place. It bothers me a bit that he's probably drinking by himself. But yet hilarity ensued.

My roommates just got really quiet and are testing their vision?

Yeah I don't know either.

So I follow a bunch of other blogs but I almost never ever comment on them. The same thing happens on facebook. I wonder if I'm still the shy, slightly alcoholic miscreant I was in high school.

I have been listening to a fucking large amount of Cradle of Filth and Marylin Manson. Sometimes the music that inspires me is not the same stuff that inspires everyone else.

I'm not going to lie, I'm kinda having issues holding it together this week. I just hate being stuck.

I did get a nice surprise the other day thought. Liv and Eric are coming to town! Even if Liv did remind me that the weather will probably be way to shitty for a shlushee walk, which is always something I go for regardless of how things are going. But yeah very much looking forward to that.

As it turns out there are a lot of people I'd like to catch up with, but I'm slightly avoiding it as I don't have so many positive things to say at the moment. But I haven't spent time with the girls since Trishie's bachelorette, I haven't really talked to Melissa since before Christmas, and Darth Frankenstein has been getting on my case about working out. So yeah. I should get on that. But I probably won't. Well until I manage to light another fire under my ass.

Not gunna lie, I kinda just wanna get wasted.

That's me. Resumes and hopefully a haircut tomorrow.

SpAmmy

Dear Jay...

Jay is pretty much always right, and I fucking hate that about him. You'd think, being twins and all, that I would be right sometimes.

Nope.

That's me, that's all.

SpAmmy

Love?

So umm I think I fell in love.

Wait

What?

Yup.

But not to worry, it's not the involved and emotional kind of love. It's the creepy internet stalking kind of love.

Oh. That's okay then.

You might remember her from the instrumental ystem of a Down Toxicity cover I posted here a few days ago. Here is her doing a drum cover of Tears Don't Fall by Bullet for My Valentine.



Jay likes her too. Shhh! Don't forget that this is our little secret.

Also I am the vegetable king.

Well no I am not the vegetable king. I might be the vegetable fight king. Well no, probably not the vegetable fight king either. I think I wold be pretty bad ass at a vegetable-only fight. Especially with Mushrooms.

Cause nothing says vegetable fight like a mushroom slap to the face of your opponent.



Hee hee hee.

We had a drunken face off over vegetable naming last night at the bar. It was epic. laughed, I cried, I wet myself a little, hell I even overthrew a small civilization of mole people. Oh yeah there was a lot of less-than-mediocre pool playing, as well as a bunch of much-better-than mediocre people singing and playing the guitar.

It was difficult to determine if Corrine is a professional pool player in disguise. She ran the bloody table on everyone last night. It was also hard to figure out if Becca was bored as hell or having the time of her life. Oddly enough, I also saw both of the at work today.

Normally I'd just go with a standard "chicks are weird", but nope. I'm the weird one. Well today at least.

Restless. But I have the weekend off. That's good right?

Yeah that's good.

I think.

Voyager awaits!

That's me. Star Trek/Terminator crossovers are more interesting than you'd think, but vegetables smell better than they taste.

SpAmmy

I'm not watching you.

I hope it fucking snows all over this town tonight. I hope the city shuts down and little old ladies have to ask their disgruntled teenage neighbours to shovel their driveways. I hope the normally short trip from front doors to vehicles tomorrow involve ice picks, dog sleds, and an journey that could be described as "trudging through an icy wasteland." Now one might as why would I wish this situation on the general public.

Cause that would make tonight fucking worth it.

Work was a fucking zoo. Any idiot with a car who heard there was going to be snowstorm came into the store tonight to stock up on frozen pizza and tea. Crazy busy. Also, someone called in sick so we were short a body too. It was bazonkers.

However despite my complaining...well it was kinda fun.

Shhhhhh don't tell anybody. I trust you. Mostly.



Enough of being creepy for now.

So this last weekend I went to mum and dad's place for mum's birthday. One thing I love about my family is, even thought it was mum's birthday, I got a cheesecake made especially for me. Yep. That sound you just heard? That was the sound of awesome.

There was a big get-together at Charlene's place. I was going to say something trite about deaf parties always having awesome baked goods, but that's pretty much goes for everywhere my mom is. I had a good time. I am also really happy Jay knew how old mum was turning. I just have trouble remembering that shit. I bet he even knows how old dad is too. One of these days he's going to tell me the wrong number to put on the birthday card just to mess with me. I must admit, that would be pretty funny.

I pretty much spent the whole time at home doing brother stuff with Jay. We watched television, put on a whole bunch of kick ass music, and talked about video games. But the icing on the cake? going through his profile/inbox on PlentyofFish. That part was definitely my favourite. Nothing says male bonding like in-depth critiques on your dating life. It was pretty one sided too, and that's always fun. Well ish. In this case the one sidedness was because I don't have a dating life.

Ahh well. Life is moving on. Slowly. But I can be patient.

That's me. My roommates called around the city cause I came home late from work. Sweet or creepy? You decide.

SpAmmy