My life is a movie.

I find I do my best thinking when I'm doing something else. Like working. Like tonight when I stayed for an extra 4 hours and pretty much made notes on random blog/story ideas.

Was discussing the fucked up relationship drama that is Chasing Amy when my buddy chimed in with a "Hey Sam they should make an awkward movie about YOUR sex life, it'd be hilarious!".

Thought about that for a bit. Felt bad. Had the reasons explained to me. I get it now. Mostly.

It IS kinda justified as there are more bi/lesbians in my closet than an experimental sorority girl (thanks for reminding me of THAT today), not to mention girls in my life apparate and disapparate faster than you can say "Did Sam just make a Harry Potter Reference?"


Yes I did. Plus Becca loves my blog entry now.

Plus, like they say in Role Models, "You white? Then you Ben Afleck." And I am pretty white. Plus if Ben Afleck was playing me in a movie then Matt Damon's probably going to be around and therefore Becca will probably become my best friend if I can just manage hook them up. It is a tad shitty that my life reminds people of Chasing Amy though.

Hmmmm. That's kinda weird to think about. I don't really have a "best friend" and haven't since High School. I think Jay doesn't really count cause we're kinda the same person. Only I'm smarter and better then him in every way. Friends just kinda fall by the wayside with me. The people I grew up with, all the people I spent time with in High School, even the friends I made in Peterborough. It just kinda happens. Sometimes it was even a conscious decision, but it's not an easy thing to get used to. I know it kinda happens to everybody (tough to watch) but it kinda blows.

Still, nobody replaces my brothers. If I have any choice in the matter (and I definitely do) our family starts and ends with my parents, and with us. As far as I'm concerned everybody else can go die in a fire.

Jay and Josh got geeky all over my facebook wall. We three are kings. Of geeks. And arguing about geeky things. I like Nogusta more, but Skillgannon could probably whomp him.

Hmm. No wonder I can't get laid. Well I suppose it hasn't been THAT long. It just feels like it. As was pointed out, everyplace I've been the last few nights we've gone out have been filled to the brim with oodles of very cute and very single university chicks. And yet...

Gah! I dunno what's wrong with me. I have been having a rough go of it lately, but there's nothing a feisty redhead couldn't cure. Then again I know it's a bad sign when I'd rather spend more time in my room reading fantasy books then going out.

Time to turn things AROUND! No idea how. But I'm going to do something that makes me happy. When? No clue. But goddammit I don't need a repeat of the summer.

OOoo I'm going to find new music. Good Music. Loud music. Good call Spammy, good call.

Also I might fuck around with my blog layout.

Try to get out of the house tomorrow.

Have a night out and get sloppy.

All of it sounds good.

That's me. So many lists. Choke on it.

I don't have a lot going on

So I'm adding another group of people to the "list", the "list" being a (slightly too extensive) document detailing the people I hope die in a fire somewhere. I think everyone has a list, or if they don't then they should. My list is getting rather involved though. I guess I just hate too much people. Hey, if Homer Simpson can pull it off it's good enough for me.


Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh my one and only weakness! Living room pillows!

So yeah the new addition. People who open the boxes of toothpaste at the grocery store and put them back on the shelf. Cause some poor poor sonuvabitch (namely me) is going to go along those shelves to clean them up and make them look pretty. You can't stack boxex of toothpaste after they've been opened. So fuck you to people who open the boxes of toothpaste in the grocery store. Hell if you're at the grocery store and opening shit I hope you get abducted by aliens. Aliens that like to probe. Probe violently. Fuck you. Seriously.

The reason we hide the BB gun in the house is so Becca can't get at it. She gets all gangster Torontonian when she gets her hands on a weapon. Also today she picked up something off the living room floor and ate it.

Brad shot me in the ankle with the BB gun and it bounced off my ankle and hit the top of my foot too. That's the only explanation we could come up with after he shot me once but I have 2 welts.

I don't have a lot going on at the moment.

Meg and Kate keep on baking and making food for everybody. It's kinda awesome.

That's me nobody ever wants to be on my Team. Fuck Pictionary anyway.

Zodiac Board games?!

Sometimes life just shits all over me. It's happened before and it'll happen again. No need to be alarmed, as I'm actually used to it by now. But if I'm a tad more withdrawn or anti-social it's nothing nobody else has done, it's all me. But not to worry. Really. I'm fine.

I'm reading the Malazan books of the Fallen and boy do they kick ass. I just got though to my favourite line of the whole entire series. Yessssssssss!

Okay so I just found out that the Zodiac has changed! Oh no! Now they need to add a new bad guy in Final Fantasy Tactics! Cause that's all the zodiac as ever really meant to me; demon possessed bosses from an old school tactics rpg.

I think I was a Leo. And now I'm a Cancer? That's retarded though cause I should be a Gemini. Maybe all twins should be born around the same time to avoid confusion. Although my personality is more suited to a...mongoose? Is that one of them? Does anyone even give a shit? I definitely don't. I could be a wampa (giant ice monster from Star Wars)! That would be cool zodiac sign. I definitely would enjoy hunting tauntauns on a icy death planet. Probably. Is there a dragon? I'd be a dragon. I'd fake my birth certificate to be a dragon. I'd fake Jay's birth certificate to be a dragon.

I like board games. No, scratch that. I like pretty much any kind of game. Well any kind of game that doesn't leave me disfigured or lying unconscious in a ditch somewhere. But that was only once and we were really drunk.

I like that we have random board game nights, hell I'm probably going to remember our introductory game of Monopoly for ever and ever. Funny thing is, that it's not that the game was very memorable but rather what happened during the game that sticks with me.

And that's what I like I guess, a bunch of people I like sitting around and having a good time. I guess my need for social interaction isn't terribly intense. But the fact that I CAN just sit around and play a board games with people and that in and of itself ending up being a complete night is something I don't think I would have been able to do a year ago.

We were all kinda weird an off the wall the other night though. It was kinda awesome. Becca said she didn't want to be on my team and I told her off. At some point she slapped me in the face. Good times.

Have fun without video games or movies or crippling emotional drama? Who would have thunk? The hitting, well that's just understood. I bring that out in people.

That's me. You're not having fun if nobody hits you in the face being a crappy artist. Pictionary is hardcore.

Resistance is futile. Or is it?

So I finally got to open up the letter that Aubz left. The one with the note on the front that says "do not open until everyone is back in Guelph". The letter I have been looking at everyday with thoughts of "I wonder what they would do if I opened the bloody thing". The letter I have been asking to open since Kate came back on New Years. The letter I have been asking to open since Becca randomly showed up a week earlier than I thought she was going to. It got so bad that they just said it was probably a rant on how much Ombre hated me and it was probably for the best that I didn't open the thing EVER.

Well everyone is back and damn it's nice. I fucking hated being here by myself, and with the house full it feels like home again. Plus, obviously, the letter got opened. Sometimes I'd like to be able to kill my curiosity, as it gets me into trouble all the fucking time. but I digress. We got a nice card!

The card was all nice and sappy and thoughtful and is going up on the fridge so we can see it everyday. It kinda reminded me of some of the stuff I've put in this blog about how I feel about living here with the people I do. Nice to know I wasn't the only one.

For the record, if the letter ended with "...except you Sam, I fucking hated you" I probably would have wet myself laughing.

...probably.

So there's been a lot of "Borg" talk floating around the house. And by talk I mean writing. And by around the house I mean on the small whiteboard beside the fridge. I like the Borg.

I might make a poem about the Borg. Or write them a letter. After all the the Borg taught me everything I know about dating.

Dear the Borg:

Please come and assimilate me so I can become immortal and participate in the destruction of every sentient being in the galaxy. Or at least on planet earth.

Your willing host,

Spammy.

You see I've kinda had some rough days at work. We get the stupidest fucking people in the store sometimes and all I can think of is "god I'd let aliens blow up our world just so these douchebags get what they deserve". That's right everyone, if it was up to me I'd get our entire goddamn planet enslaved by E.T. just because of the ignorant and mind bogglingly stupid consumers in a city in southwestern Ontario.

Sorry............. ish.

Anywhos. The job hunt is going crappy.

Hopefully the admin people at school make sense to somebody cause they sure as fuck aren't making sense to me.

The love life is pooched, and it's not even really my fault.

My Xbox might be busted.

A busload of Hawaiian Tropic bikini models is not going to stop me on my to work tomorrow in need of a dude to oil them up before competitions.

So far this week blows.

However there is hope. There is always hope. My faith in myself to work hard to get out of a shitty situation always keeps me going. I just gotta keep fighting back.

Also, Kate brought back a bunch of old Jim Carey comedies.

That's me. Dumb and Dumber always makes me feel better about my life.

Eat, don't sleep, blog

Some weeks I fucking hate sleeping. This week is one of them. And by "this week" I mean forever. Well the concept, the idea, of sleeping is great, and rather necessary. I just can't seem to get the hang of it.

Yup, I'm bad at unconsciousness.

I swear, one of these days I'll be able to go to bed and wake up at the same time for consecutive days. Then again I've said similar things about dating "normal women" and that definitely ain't happening (and I've decided I like it that way, but I digress)

I've had problems sleeping for as long as I remember, I don't think I've slept an entire night through since high school. I'm just bad at it. I move, I twist, I turn, I do...things...to my pillow, I rearrange the covers and I don't remember a fucking thing about it all. I wake up and it looks like I tried to create a nest. With just my big toes. While drunk. On the moon.

I've talked to so called "professionals" about it. Want to know what happened. 3 different "professionals" diagnosed 3 completely different sleep disorders. Want to know what else? I've just decided to live with it. I sleep fucked up.



The worst part is sometimes I have slightly awkward conversations when I wake up about stuff I do when I think I'm sleeping but other people think I'm awake. Also my roommates may have just discovered that. Apparently it happens when I try to nap too.

Shit. If napping is compromised I might have nothing to live for anymore.

I still remember when an ex discovered my "unique" situation. One time visiting her while I was going to school in Peterborough I spent the night in her residence room. Apparently I woke her up in the middle of the night to do stuff that she definitely remembered in the morning, but I had no idea. I woke up the next day to a goofy smile and breakfast in bed. I was all "Pancakes! Yay!" not really understanding that such battery deliciousness from a box is usually reward for a job well done. Imagine my surprise when I found out what I had done to deserve such treatment! She wasn't so much mad as confused (that time). Eventually she got used to it and was (sometimes) pleased with her good fortune.

Now to clear things up a bit, I'm not saying that I've been nailing my roommates while I think I'm sleeping on the couch. That would be more than a bit awkward. What I'm saying is, at a few points, they have woken me up, had short conversations with me that most likely ended mid-word, and left feeling like any other person who talks to me. Slightly disgusted, but maybe amused. I, however, don't remember a fucking thing. I just know they're going to find some way to take advantage of this. I'm not worried though, cause whatever they come up with will probably be hilarious. I just hope the videos are tasteful.

And dreaming, shit don't even get me started on dreaming. I used to dream completely in black and white. Don't even ask me how I know that, cause I just do. I also used to completely forget my dreams upon awakening. Which bothered me a bit, but hey, I forget where my socks are on a regular basis, so it didn't really bother me.

Then I decided that dreams were probably more significant that I first believed, so I started a dream log. I write down what I dream first thing after I wake up, while I can still remember. Would you like to know what I've discovered?

Ignorance is bliss.

My dreams are a cross between a romantic comedy that's not funny and stuff that would come up in a regular lunch with Tim Burton, Neil Gaiman, and the devil. (and who's to say that doesn't happen anyway). At least I've got a lot of good story ideas from it. That is, if my subconscious didn't both amuse and terrrify me at the same time.

That's me. I am a sheep. I am also hooked on phonics. Hewked oun fonicks werkud fur me.

500 days of Star Wars

Okay so the new t.v. is big... well bigger than the one we had anyways. I don't think I'd call it giant since I used to spend a lot of time with a family who like having 60+ inch televisions. But I like it a lot. We got it for free after we (Becca and I) dragged the super heavy thing across the street after our neighbours left it on their lawn. And of course, when we put it in the living room we also just had to rearrange every piece of furniture in there. At 1:30 in the morning.

The living room does look rather nicer though. Well except for the creation of the giant fucking mess that seems to come second nature to Becca and I. Everybody's good at something I guess.

Obviously when you get a new television you hafta celebrate. You hafta. It's in the rules. Look it up. We have watched so many movies...so...many...movies.... but it's not like we have anything better to do at the moment. So far it's mostly Star Wars, stuff with Star Wars references and superheros . I love living with geeks, I really do. Geeks that drink.

Oh yeah and we watched 500 days of summer. Before you judge me there might be the best Star Wars reference (and one of the best poems I've ever heard too) in the (possibly-not-so-bad-but-you'll-never-hear-me-admit-it) slightly amusing movie. And If I know anything it's (chick flicks) Star Wars.

And after watching 500 days of Summer and The Empire Strikes Back one after the other you can see some odd similarities. Darth Vader does pretty much whatever he wants. One might say he answers to the emperor Palpatine, but that's not what he tells Luke when he says they can overthrow his wrinkly white ass and rule the galaxy as father and son. Summer does pretty much whatever she wants and definitely doesn't even kinda answer to anybody.

Plus it shows that some men will do anything to impress a cute brunette. Han shows off hardcore for Leia but plays it all off like he flies into asteroid fields or rides off into a icy wasteland to save his friends all the time like it's nothing. Tom (reasonably) turns into a (confused but well meaning gentleman) little bitch trying to get Summer to like him the way he likes her.

Weird (well maybe not) how it turns out that Summer is more like Vader then Leia. And neither of them is a redhead! But that's a life lesson learned. If you understand Star Wars then you don't have to understand chicks. Because you already might.

Well possibly.

But probably not.

But whatever, it's not like women have cool force abilities and lightsabers and Aluminum Falcons and shit. Wait...do they? I don't even know anymore. I have my own cute brunette problems. After all, you spend the New Year the way you rang out the old one.

That's me. Cause when I get laid I feel like Han Solo too.

Zombies ate my neighbours

So it's 2011 and I've already learned stuff!

I learned that being stuck in the house all by myself sucks and blows. But I kinda already knew that. You see, if our house has a problem it' s the lack of cable television. We get by on dvds around here, and more often than not I'm nose deep in a book (as opposed to a woman, but hey can't have everything) so it doesn't bug me in the slightest. Mostly. But the other day I had the day off and decided I was going to do a zombie movie marathon.

By myself.

With nobody in the house.

With all the lights off.

It seemed like a good idea at the time, I swear! Heck, Shaun of the Dead and Zombieland aren't even scary. Dawn of the Dead kinda pushes the envelope a bit, but hey they probably would have made it if it wasn't for that goddamn dog.

Wanna know something else about sitting in my dark, quiet living room at 1am watching zombie movies? You can hear just about everything going on in the street outside. Every car door slamming shut, every person wandering home with their friends, the neighbours getting home and taking out the garbage... a 25 year old grown man wetting himself and making elaborate contingency plans to turn household objects into Zombie killing objects of destruction "just in case".

All those empty liquor bottles might be useful after all. Just saying

...unless I'm fighting zombie batman. Then I'll need zombie catwoman.

The holidays were fun, if uneventful. Doing the family thing in Niagara Falls was good stuff. Even if seeing the Aunt was awkward and weird and made me all kinds of uncomfortable.

New Years was pretty low-key too. At first I couldn't get ahold of anyone so i wasn't sure if the plans I made were going to hold up, but Kate and her friends showed up as I was singing in the shower. not the first time that's happened, oddly enough. But yeah, music, friends, awesome pizza wandering with Coburn, drunk texting Rachie and the girls. Good stuff. Turns out I need not have been as intimidated as I was, this year my new years turned out just fine.

No resolutions though. I couldn't think of any good ones. Well maybe not making "that's what she said" jokes as often. But I've been good about that, I think by the end of the semester Aubz was making them just as much as I used to and she never got in any trouble. Then again she isn't around anymore. She did leave a letter for us to read with strict instructions to "wait until ALL roommates return". I've been looking at the thing every day wondering if anyone would care if I just went ahead and opened it. I bugged Kate about it when she came for New Years. Becca and I discussed it when I came downstairs to find that she had come home a week before I thought she was going to be here. I can wait. I think. I really should wait.

Oh and soon we get a new roommate. Of course I remember how much I was freaking out about roomies in September and that turned out pretty fucking magically, so I'm not too worried. Actually Kate brought up a good point; that a new person has to come into a new house where everyone knows each other and already gets along really well. I guess we just have to all be our very awesome selves and not throw stuff at her, make her question her sanity or make sexually based jokes at her expense for a while. Though I'm just not sure how awesome I can really be if I'm not hitting somebody with a pillow or making lesbian jokes.

I guess we'll just have to find out. Muaahahahahahahahah.

That's me. Becca and I just pulled off a huge heist. All my idea. But the fucking thing was way heavier than any t.v. has a right to be.