I have no idea what I did with my day

Today I had one of those days where I have no idea what I was going to do with my time but man did I ever do the shit out of it.

So I ended up lazy geeking the ever loving hell out of my day. It was a good time. I might do it again tomorrow, but instead eat real food and include other people instead of pizza and on sale valentine's day chocolate and being all by myself.

Now I don't say this like it's a complaint or a bad thing (however it is not something one should do on a weekly basis...like I used to) but this is pretty much the first time since Christmas that I had any time to myself. I've been a bit busy and kinda burnt out.

Time to yourself is a valuable thing, think stuff over. Well in my case it's usually overthink stuff over but I'm getting pretty good at not doing that. But it's nice to stop and catch up on shit you've been meaning to do. Figure out if you're going to complicate your life by shiting where you eat, that sort of stuff. I had a lot of random junk on my mind today.

My hero.
 

Why does pretending to be a dragon feel more satisfying than work? My roommate's cats used to find this terrifying, but now they're cool with it.

Sometimes I sneeze with my whole body. This is rather uncomfortable, but I imagine if some enterprising friend took pictures of this they would turn out all kinds of awesome.

At home growing up, I always got "Samuel" when I was in trouble. A couple women I dated did the same thing. At work nobody ever calls me "Samuel" even if I am in trouble. I'm not sure but I don't think I like this.

Why is it when you have a crush you start using expressions and do stupid shit you'd never do normally. Not even in a "I want to impress you" sort of way but in a "my brain fucking hates me for some reason today" way.

If I got a pet rock nobody would ever take me seriously. Not that people should really take me all that seriously anyway but it'd be another reason. I even have a potential spot picked out on my shelf of random junk that I love.

If I ever get married I'll either start or stop stripping. I'm not sure which. Does getting changed in front of a window that faces nothing count as stripping? What if I do it to music? I just get really happy to be home from work some days. Either way I really should learn how to dance better.

How come Spiderman never shows up no matter how many spiders I eat?

I never grew up. I only got bigger. Well ish. It's more complicated, but this is sorta accurate.

I'm worried that my Mr. Potato Head dolls might be alive. It's not that I don't want them to watch me have sex, I'm just afraid they'd start yelling out encouragement. Or criticism.

That's me. Eventually I will actually talk about things and events and stuff. I just didn't have that much going on today. I fucking loved it.

Sam

Well that's fine!

Holy crap do Hemmingway and King kinda have it right. Or do they have it write? Haha wordplay. Now, I like to think of myself as an articulate person, but for some reason this shit is so much easier after a couple of beers and having Josh pour me some shots.

Actually the last couple weeks have been pretty great for this sort of shit. Like communication. For the most part. Still, when talking to certain women it's like we're trying two different languages. But that's not too much different drunk OR sober. It's just easier to get shot down when you're trashed.

Well maybe it has nothing to do with being trashed or sober. This week has been pretty great. It's funny how inspiration and motivation come from fucking nowhere. Well more like slightly irritating cause that would be great if you could nail that down on command. But still very nice.

But usually I get motivated to do things or improve myself at work. If anyone was looking for the secret of why I stay there even though most days I hate it, here it is. There is always something that keeps me wading through all the shit, something I can get excited about or interested in. (well financial security plays a big part there too, lets be honest here) But my work/life balance has been leading towards work for the longest time. Well not so much anymore. And it feels so much better.

This week work was so crappy and pfftttttt. ( I hate how I keep track of how long it is between people crying on my line. Why does that have to be a thing?) But since I'm actually happy with the stuff going on outside of work, I can still come home smiling and humming whatever song is on my playlist when I walk in the door. The crappy part is I know it's not going to last (it never does) but damn it feels good.

But at the moment, poetry again! And working on stuff at home that isn't for work! Random drinking with people! Stupid pictures! Special lasagna! I actually slept twice this week! And stuff in the works! Stuff that might carry me on through the next couple week! Holy balls! Weird coincidences!

That's me.I peed everywhere tonight. It's a guy thing.

Samuel!

Too much spare time, or not enough?

So here is a collection of random notes and things I've been collecting for no good reason the last few weeks. There are a bazillion more (rounding up).

Tah Dah!



 

It's like watching a shark fight a bear. You have no idea how or why or what's going on but you sure want to see what happens.

Why is it that a random sexual partner for a dude is referred to as a "notch in his belt"? When I have to mess around with belt notches it means my pants might be falling down. Is that it? Random sex does have a lot to do with having your pants fall down, but it might be safer to count how many time you've had to get your junk checked out after you hook up with someone you don't know. That's harder to brag about in a conversation though.

Why does my damn ipod even give me a low battery warning when it's not a real warning. it's more just an announcement that it is 2 seconds away from turning itself off and the rest of the bus ride to work will be in silence with a side of screw you. It should warn me before I leave the goddamn house. Well that, or I should just not forget to plug it in.

Why does referring to something as "going pear shaped " mean something bad?  I'm not a huge fan of pears but I feel like in most settings a pear is usually not a negative thing. Just because the majority of my experiences have been negative doesn't mean everyone else should hate them as much as I do. Fuck pears. But still I wonder.

Music playlists called "playlist" piss me off. I'm pretty sure this violates an internal treaty I have with myself. This should not bug me but it does so much. I should probably go change that playlist name on my itunes now.

The fire station downtown has a sign that says "fire defence is self defense". But if the best defense is a good offence then how do you fight fire? With fire. So since it's time to fight fire with fire I'm going to go play with matches and bug spray to practice self defense. Don't worry, this makes no sense to me either, just roll with it.

Do robots love pizza? Do they even love? If I was a robot in disguise could I still be able to love pizza? Battlestar Galactica is making me aware of a whole host of problems that don't exist but are fun to think about.

I swear I'm not crazy, just don't ask me to prove it.

That's me. Fun times at James and Lisa's birthday party. No fires this year, but lots of new metal bands to listen to! Pretty sure it evens out there.

Sam

Happy something something

Happy 2013 all.

Here is a list of stuff I want to do in 2013. New Years resolutions are kinda like asking Santa for presents that last a whole year. It's also similar to Santa as instead of cool Star Wars junk just magically appearing in my bedroom, someone has to go out and get the stuff. Hint: this time that someone is me. So here is a list of stuff I want that I have to get myself (which is sorta bullshit, so exactly like Santa)

I want to take over the world. However I feel like that would involve way too much paperwork and I loathe paperwork with the intensity I usually reserve for people who feel the need to comment when my socks don't match.

Instead my first resolution is to bother my brother by posting a bunch of funny pictures of unicorns on his facebook wall. In case there is confusion I should let you know that my brother is a unicorn. Hopefully I cleared that right up.



Muahahahahahahahaha
 

I want superpowers. I want them so bad you have no idea. If a genie granted me 3 wishes that's the first one. Kinda controversial since most people would be all "Dude! World peace!" to which I would reply "Umm nope." If I had superpowers I would be a super villain and world peace would just cancel out my bad-guy ness. This would also help with the whole ruler of the planet thing too. So win/win as far as I am concerned (for me, not for the planet so much). However exhaustive research proves we are a long way away from superpowers. So I'm slightly fucked here.

Instead what I would is to feel like I have superpowers more often. I got a Dark Jedi bathrobe for Christmas and I am of the opinion that this is a wonderful start, because I really do feel like a bad ass when I'm stalking my roommate's cats wearing it and they run away in fear.

So my next resolution is to buy more clothes that make me feel like a bad ass.



You em bear ass me. YOU EMBARRASS YOURSELF.

I like to write, but I don't really do it much anymore for fun. I mean I write at work all the damn time but that's all numbers and explanations and the odd doodle on the communication board in the oven room that looks like the both the ovens has come alive and is eating people. But stuff might be slowing down a tiny bit and I've stopped doing all the overtime that was driving me crazy for the last few months

So yeah, nothing clever and misleading, my last New Year's resolution is to just write more. I miss it.

That's me. Resolutions? ME?? What are you implying? That I need change?? Well buddy as far as I am concerned I am PERFECT the way I am! - Calvin and Hobbes

Sam



P.S. I should probably mention that I had a great New Year's even with a whole bunch of strangers. My orginal plans fell through and ended up just hanging out at home with a whole bunch of people my roommate had over. It was awesome! Even if Jay was there too. Cards Against Humanity may be the best party game ever made. Shout out to all those people that helped make my night awesome :)

Winter is the new Summer

Holy distended ball-sack batman! What the hell do you mean the first snowfall of the year was at the ass-end of December? Fuck you winter boots, nobody loves you because you are useless and take up prime real estate by the heater.for nothing!

In other news I have been day-dreaming the hell out of life in general the past few days because apparently that's what I do with my free time now. Sit quietly.

Oh and I keep hearing about how Riverside Park has some kind of Christmas lights festival going on and I never really care about the shit that goes on there. Unless I somehow end up making plans to go participate in the shit that goes on there.

So let's back up a bit here. Here in my hometown there's a giant ass field/park/grounds type place called Riverside Park. There may be a river nearby, I've never really noticed. This is where all types of big community events and family friendly junk happen like fireworks on Canada Day, Ribfest and a bunch of other crap. I actually never started attending any of these events until I was in my 20's despite living here pretty much my whole life. (some days I tend to forget the 2 years in Peterborough or that summer in Parry Sound cause in the long run being in either place didn't really affect my life so much)

However this last summer I was pretty much there all the damn time. Willing or not, cause my family is like that sometimes, but mostly I had fun. So while my mind was wandering this week I came up with this:

At riverside park some days they let people rent paddle boats and muck about on the tiny stream that we somehow call a bloody river. I've always wanted to rent one...and then raise a tiny pirate flag and ram/board the other boats. I think that would be an awesome afternoon, even if I'd never actually do it cause being arrested would suck big time, it's lots of fun to think about.

Death Approaches

For example:

You're playing Dad with your 2 kids and give in to the begging and pleading that is bound to happen when they think they could be having more fun then they are currently having if only you would break out the wallet and rent them a paddle boat, never mind the 60 bucks you already dropped on funny tasting hot dogs and ice cream. But hey, it'll keep em quiet for 10 minutes and that's worth all the hot dogs in the park at this point. "How did Mommy get out of this?" you idly wonder as you wander over to the funny little "dock".

You fiddle with the mandatory life jackets (why are there life jackets when the water is 2 feet deep! Really you call this a river? A river?! I'm going to take a bigger piss after I pawn the kids off on Mommy for the evening and have a couple beers to erase this memory) and get your whiny little crew into the boat.

You derp around for a while wondering if you can get through this day without dropping yet another 40 bucks on ice cream, then you notice another paddle boat coming right in your direction. On board is a dude who yells out "some thing's wrong I think it's broken". Well dammit now you have to get out of the way of this jackass. The wife will kill you if little Timmy's new backpack gets wet. Shit. Why didn't we leave that thing on the dock, it's not like the pre-teen employees are going to take a power rangers backpack full of carrot sticks.

Then the jackass in the boat gets closer and closer. You notice a malicious gleam in his eye. Wait? Eye? As in just one? Didn't he have 2 like 20 seconds ago? What's with the eye patch?  Where did THAT come from? Your heart grows cold. You look down at little Timmy and his backpack. Shit. Your wife is going to kill you. You look again and now you see a terribly drawn skull and crossbones flag in the hands of hear the laughing of a lunatic. The othger boat gently rocks up against yours and he shouts "Prepare to be boarded yarr!"

You then get in the water and chase down his stupid fucking paddle boat. The water is only 2 feet deep. River my ass. While you're throttling this poor lunatic for messing with your day you realize that this is much more eventful and entertaining than you thought. Johnson at the office is never going to believe this.

Annnnnd end scene.

This is the shit I'd like to inspire one day.

That's me. I'm never going to be allowed to have kids. But if I do they are going to have stories to tell by golly.


Spammy

So...we meet again.

So brain, we meet again. I'd like to know math again, but I refuse to give up drinking so we need to come to some sort of compromise on that. Also some sleep would be nice. And that thing we do where we get caught checking out women? Cut down on that.

I saw a job post for a laser operator on kijiji this week and thought "holy crap this is the job for me"! Hell I already make laser noises at cats on a regular basis and half of all the posters I own are Star Wars ones. This shit should be right up my alley, except for one thing: all my real life experience with lasers is imaginary, so I doubt I'd be as good with a real one. But hell if there's one thing I'm good at it's daydreaming. Some days I want to feel like a terminator with a laser gun, is that too much to ask?

The best weekend of the summer by far and away was the Heavy TO heavy metal concert festival that I went to. Some of my all time favorite bands played some of my all time favorite songs. I'm not going to lie, I cried. Twice. I even learned some things:

1) I inadvertently called concert merchandise "band swag". This irritates the hell out of some people. (So I kept doing it)

2) Apparently metal really is all ages. There were strollers. (kids had on industrial grade ear protection though, go responsible parents!) Hell, a pair of 10 years olds got dragged on stage by the lead singer of Five Finger Death Punch and headbanged better than most of the crowd.

3) I can get starstruck. I would have never thought. We hung out in the Jager tent area when Killswitch Engage was signing autographs. The group of us hung out there for an hour. I stared and then tried to play it off like I wasn't staring. I even thought about getting in the huge line-up, but if I actually got up to a band I've loved for 10 years I'm pretty sure I would have fainted. Oh and they played a killer set.

4) It seems as though I can get the best night of sleep I've had all damn year on a single tiny blowup mattress in the corner of a damp tent. Even trains passing right by the campgrounds didn't even phase me. I slept like a happy, slightly drunk, wet, tired baby. (which may be the best band name ever..imagine: " WEEEE AREEEE THE DRUNK! TIRED! BAAAABBBIIIIEEEESSSSS!")

5) Starting a fire with wet wood only requires one thing. Bug spray. Of course said bug spray may disappear off into the night and 6 people might spend the next day looking for it and not being able to find the stuff. Thank you bug spray... wherever you are.

My hands were stuck like that for days!

I moved out of the house I've been living in the past 2 years. And even though it wasn't going to be the same with almost of people I like not going to be living there this year, I still didn't have an easy time of it. The new place does have it's perks and I think I'll be just fine, I'm still going to miss the place. But my happiness there was more about the people I was with and I'm damn sure not going to stop seeing them just because we all don't live together anymore.

I was talking to a dude at the comic book store who is so pumped for another world war that I'm pretty sure he's going to offer to start one himself if there isn't one by Christmas. Which is absolutely ridiculous. Everyone knows that the next "world war" is going to be the computer/machine/matrix uprising.

That's where all those laser operators are going to come in real handy.

That's me. Free time is for the weak! Tomorrow, pillows!

Sam

Don't play with your food based toys.

My Star Wars Mr. Potato Head dolls don't do much. Well not as much as I want them to. Which I think kinda makes me sound like an uncompromising son of a bitch since I just declared "I want my inanimate objects to do more than inanimate objects normally do". I kinda wish they went on adventures and such, especially since my mom brought back a bag of junk lying around my parents house and I found Optimus Prime's legs.

And then I thought, well Sam, why don't you just MAKE them do shit.

I know it sounds like I'm pulling small scale super-villainy shit here but hear me out. Maybe I finally get a camera and take pictures of my Mr. Potato Head Dolls doing stuff and make up stories. I'd post all that stuff here, or maybe in yet another blog. I think that might be fun, and since fun stuff is what drags me through my work week. I am liking the idea. Plus the opportunity for puns is pretty much endless. Win/win.

I think I might be a genius

But then again I might not be as I keep losing shit all over the place the last few weeks. Keys? Niagara Falls. Phone? In a cab? Keys? In my room. Book? Front entrance at work. A few weeks ago I switched up which pocket I put stuff in and it pretty much ruined my damn life.

The people need to know that Kate is Awesome. She never reads this but she's sitting on a couch across the room from me and made a request.

So I've been pretty busy the last few weeks, I went to Niagara Falls with my brother to see my Dad for his Birthday. I went to Toronto for Bird's goodbye party... don't really want to get into that. I had a great time but I still don't want her to leave. I'm bad at goodbyes. We've had an old friend/roommate kicking around and visiting. Ahh Brad and his hobo bukkake. It's pretty awesome to see him get into random arguments about pretty much whatever the subject is at the time. Of course this is in between the huge amount of stuff happening at work. Blargh.

That's me. Maybe I could make a new job running a blog about Star Wars Mr. Potato Head doll antics? That would be great. It would be an awesome thing to tell people: "What do you do?" "Oh I take pictures of toys and put them on the internet for money."

Spammy