In other news I have been day-dreaming the hell out of life in general the past few days because apparently that's what I do with my free time now. Sit quietly.
Oh and I keep hearing about how Riverside Park has some kind of Christmas lights festival going on and I never really care about the shit that goes on there. Unless I somehow end up making plans to go participate in the shit that goes on there.
So let's back up a bit here. Here in my hometown there's a giant ass field/park/grounds type place called Riverside Park. There may be a river nearby, I've never really noticed. This is where all types of big community events and family friendly junk happen like fireworks on Canada Day, Ribfest and a bunch of other crap. I actually never started attending any of these events until I was in my 20's despite living here pretty much my whole life. (some days I tend to forget the 2 years in Peterborough or that summer in Parry Sound cause in the long run being in either place didn't really affect my life so much)
However this last summer I was pretty much there all the damn time. Willing or not, cause my family is like that sometimes, but mostly I had fun. So while my mind was wandering this week I came up with this:
At riverside park some days they let people rent paddle boats and muck about on the tiny stream that we somehow call a bloody river. I've always wanted to rent one...and then raise a tiny pirate flag and ram/board the other boats. I think that would be an awesome afternoon, even if I'd never actually do it cause being arrested would suck big time, it's lots of fun to think about.
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| Death Approaches |
For example:
You're playing Dad with your 2 kids and give in to the begging and pleading that is bound to happen when they think they could be having more fun then they are currently having if only you would break out the wallet and rent them a paddle boat, never mind the 60 bucks you already dropped on funny tasting hot dogs and ice cream. But hey, it'll keep em quiet for 10 minutes and that's worth all the hot dogs in the park at this point. "How did Mommy get out of this?" you idly wonder as you wander over to the funny little "dock".
You fiddle with the mandatory life jackets (why are there life jackets when the water is 2 feet deep! Really you call this a river? A river?! I'm going to take a bigger piss after I pawn the kids off on Mommy for the evening and have a couple beers to erase this memory) and get your whiny little crew into the boat.
You derp around for a while wondering if you can get through this day without dropping yet another 40 bucks on ice cream, then you notice another paddle boat coming right in your direction. On board is a dude who yells out "some thing's wrong I think it's broken". Well dammit now you have to get out of the way of this jackass. The wife will kill you if little Timmy's new backpack gets wet. Shit. Why didn't we leave that thing on the dock, it's not like the pre-teen employees are going to take a power rangers backpack full of carrot sticks.
Then the jackass in the boat gets closer and closer. You notice a malicious gleam in his eye. Wait? Eye? As in just one? Didn't he have 2 like 20 seconds ago? What's with the eye patch? Where did THAT come from? Your heart grows cold. You look down at little Timmy and his backpack. Shit. Your wife is going to kill you. You look again and now you see a terribly drawn skull and crossbones flag in the hands of hear the laughing of a lunatic. The othger boat gently rocks up against yours and he shouts "Prepare to be boarded yarr!"
You then get in the water and chase down his stupid fucking paddle boat. The water is only 2 feet deep. River my ass. While you're throttling this poor lunatic for messing with your day you realize that this is much more eventful and entertaining than you thought. Johnson at the office is never going to believe this.
Annnnnd end scene.
This is the shit I'd like to inspire one day.
That's me. I'm never going to be allowed to have kids. But if I do they are going to have stories to tell by golly.
Spammy
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